Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week finds you accused by the notorious Victorina of saying that she once fondled the palm fronds in the lobby of the Riztee Hotel while speaking illicit things to Roberto, the sexy Albertan copyboy in the office. Your best response is to gurgle and wiggle, which Victorina understands a whole lot better than speech, apparently, anyway, and she slinks off into the night.
You make a note to spread a nasty rumour about her earrings.
Leo July 23 - August 22
I want all of you Leos to stand up, clasp your hands over your head, and breath deeply.
Then, I want you to do a few jumping jacks before you sit down again.
Thank you. That'll be all.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
With Saturn in your first house this week, you'll be quite thankful you moved out of that one long ago.
The nasty green carpet you unfortunately had installed in that first house will be crushed and crumpled by Saturn, as it's quite large.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week begins the clean-up and the healing, following the abrupt departure of the cow.
Make sure to check the plant underneath the stairs, as you always forget that one when you clean normally, and the cow did something particularly nasty to it.
If you are a celebrity, you are just nuts, you know that? I mean it, honest.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Capricorn's horoscope is subsidised this week by Tide Laundry Detergent, which I personally just used, and it bleached all of my clothes the brightest white I've ever seen, and shall ever see again, as I think my corneas have been damaged. Wash with Tide.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You begin thinking that Kant perhaps had no place whatsoever making critical dialogies of aesthetical judgments: beauty as the symbol of morality my foot! He must just have been crazy.
That crazy Kant. Crazy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
There is, in some part of the world, a chocolate cake crying out your name.
This is because, in Scotland, home of the cloned sheep, they've also just created the world's first talking cake, and, lucky you, it's asking for you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You discover (pleasantly) that you know Victoria's Secret, and you know what? It's not really all that special.
You also notice Fermat's Enigma. And feel quite happy that you don't have any captialised mysteries in your own life.
Libra September 23 - October 22
And it is the end of it!
This week, finding the formerly charming pantheist "bathing" in your tub along with a couple dozen gallons of ice cream and a nubile young "convert" you decide that it's probably best he leave. It was not one of the more difficult decisions of your week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You get off the island after those three rather boring days with the comic book. However, due to the distinct lack of suffering and hardship, you doubt you'll have much luck in selling your story to the television studios for big bucks.
Especially since you ate lunch every day at the McDonald's on the island.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't you ever miss people referring to a sow's ear in their expressions?
I mean, you just don't hear it enough any more. It's not like the sow's ear has changed, oh no, my friend, let me tell you, it's us that have changed.
And it's a bloody shame. I had a bunch of damn good sayings about sow's ears.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Erasmus was going on about "a cheerful confusion of the mind frees the spirit...", I think he was talking about you. Really.
He was always such a punk.
This week you will be stalked by Liv Tyler, yet again.
[Horoscopes. and i do my brutish best.]
