The Horoscopes
Keepin' on truckin'
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't piss off anyone bigger than you this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your pirate badge will finally arrive!
The sheepish courier will admit he "took it out for a spin" before delivering it, when pressed.
And boy, can you ever press someone now, with your new pirate badge.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Buy a lot of Munchkins this week.
Consider it stocking up, if you will.
That is all we can tell you at this time.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Avoid rabid gerbils if at all possible this week.
It will not be a good ending for you if you can't.
The only way you can prolong the unhappy ending is to keep a sharp eye out for people who look likely to throw you in the path of a charging rabid gerbil, should a rabid gerbil appear.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
No matter if you're in Turin this week or not you'll find yourself saying basta, basta a lot.
Which could mean you just have a slight speech impediment when saying a 'p' in front of an 'a'.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have an inexplicable urge to make up songs this week.
You'll claim they're by Kate Bush, but we all know you're making them up.
You still look cute, though.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
An oil spill will make your week.
Either you thrive on cleaning up lots of little pebbles with a scrub brush or you just really don't like ducks.
Aries March 21 - April 19
No amount of wishing ever made the sun reverse on its axis.
If you recall, it was Superman flying, really fast, backwards, that did it.
Take from that what you will.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You might want to stay in with a good book this week.
In fact, even if the book isn't all that good you still might want to stay in with it and just flick back and forth without really looking at the text and tell anyone who asks if you're all right, because you look a little distracted, that you are all right and
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I have nothing for you at this time.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Life is like an adventure.
Or maybe it's like Adventure, the 80s Atari 2600 video game. And you're a block. With an arrow for a sword. Or maybe you're a bat.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Enjoy your week, because you never know when Paulie Shore will make an entrance into your life.
Consider this a warning. A dire warning. Or sobering. A sobering warning. Warning you of... running into Paulie Shore.
Whatever you say, don't claim you've got extra space for someone to crash this week.
[Horoscopes. Good old Cheney...]