The Horoscopes
Sunnyside up.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Is 'shivved' a proper past tense verb?
Well, if it isn't, you may feel at liberty to use your language a little more wantonly this week when someone cuts you with a knife, aka a shiv.
It's a little like getting Googled, only more painful.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Take a long walk this week to clear your head if you find things getting to be too much.
If things aren't getting too much, maybe you should take a walk anyway, I've been told someone is trying to hide a present for you in the house and can't with you hanging around all the time.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will find visitors on your doorstep when you arrive back from a trip this week, due to Saturn in your house of hosting at the moment.
These visitors may just be tiny, invisible to the naked eye houseguests we like to call bacteria!
If it's them then don't worry about having extra food in the house or clean sheets on the bed or anything.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Say so long to unsightly ring around the collar this week!
Mercury in your third house of love predicts (in an un-lovely fashion) that you will wear only shirts without collars this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A small house fire will provide the diversion you need to redecorate the kitchen.
This is, of course, unless the fire is in the kitchen. In which case I would skip the redecorating and just save whatever cakes might be lying around.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be housebound due to snow on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Or, rather, I should say you'll be non-workbound, as every route into your workplace imaginable will be buried in snow, while still leaving you open access to the mall, gym, and amusement parks nearby. Go figure.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Take a page from Willie Nelson's book this week and evade your taxes.
If you just do it for the week you won't have the same problems Willie had.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Laughter is like a little vacation.
Unfortunately, when you try to cash it in on your frequent traveler miles you'll just get laughed at, thus ensuring someone else gets a little vacation or two that day.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The men in riot gear have successfully encamped in your house, but keep having to ask you where everything is, like cereal and the like, because they've tied you up with an extension cord, to which they also had to have you direct them.
And one of the men amuses himself by throwing peanuts at your mouth. Seeing as how no one else looks likely to feed you, I suggest you attempt to catch them.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
For your gesture of extreme kindness, you get a horoscope this week.
The thing you think is stalking you all week will turn out to be a minor television event, as the first grizzly bear in your region in sometime nearly mauls you and succeeds in mauling your car.
[Perhaps you'd rather not have a horoscope... in which case, please assume we've done the normal routine that you're used to in this space.]
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
In a most bizarre turn, you'll wake up on Wednesday ensconced inside a giant Jello(tm) mold.
I would turn a critical eye on those closest to you... and by that I don't mean the gerbil also ensconced in the mold with you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Some things may happen this week, and some things won't. Some of the things you expected to happen, and then one thing you definitely didn't expect will happen on Friday.
I can't give it all away, but the thing on Friday will involve JellyFish and a hammer.
[Horoscopes. For your Baby Bruin.]