The Horoscopes
Party like it's 2006
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Okay, it's a new year, new focuses. Foci, you might call it. Them.
Right, so, anyway. Where were we? Right, focus. Many of them.
So.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be assertive for something you really want this week.
After all, no one else is going to fight you for the last cupcake if you're assertive enough.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Do not trust little people this week.
The old saying "If you smelt it you dealt it" will not apply in the presence of those little people.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Feel confident in your abilities this week.
Not to fly or anything, just in, like, using scissors and things, nothing spectacular, I'm afraid.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Life gets very, very tough for you this week, due to Mercury and a little bit of bad driving. Not by you, but by that garbage collector that passes by your house every week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are a terrible liar. You can't even begin to lie because you get caught out so easily.
Which is a shame, really, if you're extremely gullible and want to get people back for when they got you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You may hear things you wish you hadn't this week.
The best way to avoid this is to wear earmuffs, really thick ones, and if you don't live somewhere cold enough for that sort of thing, maybe fake a cold or something.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're going to be very hard on yourself this week.
Don't be.
It's not that you shouldn't be, it's just that it's easier to just sit around on the couch than to waste all that energy being hard on yourself.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will have a battle to the death with an old enemy this week.
Death by chocolate, that is!
This may be literal if you or your enemy are highly allergic to chocolate.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You can count on one thing in life being constant: you will have no horoscope.
That crock about pi being a constant will turn out to be inconstant in the end, just you wait and see.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It may be time for a career change.
Have you thought about avocado farming?
This horoscope brought to you by the Avocado Growers Association of the Americas.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Back to the grindstone!
Watch your fingers, grindstones are heavy, and will crush unwary fingers.
[Horoscopes. "Half man, half God, half centaur... either way, I wish he was my dad." (Warning, requires Windows Media Player, sorry.)]