The Horoscopes
See us in Webster this week
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week is an excellent one for playing well with others.
So put away any military grade weapons you might have lying around the house... you know, just in case.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will see someone read a now obsolete story about someone else.
It will probably go on past your bedtime.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Forces will conspire against you.
You may not even notice they're conspiring against you.
So the upshot is: I would go ahead and eat that last chocolate chip cookie anyway, especially if there's a chance you won't notice forces conspiring against you, possibly for eating the last chocolate chip cookie.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You should live life unfettered this week.
If you are reading this from jail, my apologies, but no, this does not hold any water with the warden of most major correctional facilities.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be mistaken for Brad Pitt multiple times this week.
For the women out there, maybe it's because that hat you're wearing isn't the most flattering, no?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will look very cute in three tshirts, layered over one another, a sweatshirt, a cardigan over that, a windbreaker, a puffy ski jacket, all topped off by an overcoat. And earmuffs. And a knitted hat.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
"In it to win it" should be your motto this week.
This replaces your old motto of "if it ain't runnin', it ain't something." Not a great motto, you understand, so you shouldn't mind the replacement all that much.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Saturn will make you incredibly burpy this week.
If this sort of thing bothers you you may wish to stay inside and alone this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Attend a reading in Webster, Massachusetts. This is like the star the wise men saw, only we did the hard work of looking at the stars for you and are just telling you to get your butt out there.
Bring a jacket, it may be cold.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If I were you, I would take comfort in the inevitability of not having a horoscope week after week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Stop picking your nose.
Don't deny doing it, the stars see all.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will have to think on your feet this week. Maybe this will work out better for you than thinking with your brain. We can only hope.
[Horoscopes. If you haven't booked your travel arrangements to Webster, Mass., do it now!]