Taurus April 20 - May 20
You get caught sitting next to a fairly large trout on either a plane, bus, or train this week.
You will note that it smells none too offensive, for a fish, and carries itself quite well. Sadly, it has no wishes to offer, though it does give you it's peanuts when you enquire.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week someone accuses you of stealing. If you are a baseball player, this may not seem altogether out of place. However, if you enjoy less sporting pursuits (or more sporting, be it as is may), you will respond with shock and outrage.
Be sure to wear biege pants and a nice white shirt, because it's much easier to look indignant in that combination.
(we apologise for the rather huge sucking sound following this horoscope.)
Virgo August 23 - September 22
What was that crazy Thomas Aquinas going on and on about judgement as combining and distinguishing?
What ever happened to educated guessing based on complete fiction?
That crazy crazy Thomas Aquinas.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The cow, it turns out, doesn't like your implying at the outset of this week that it could just be mad, and it proceeds to trample all over your house, inside, of course, then runs outside, hails a cab, and rides off into the rest of the week, leaving your house a shambles.
If you are a celebrity, you believe that cab with the cow in it you spotted on Tuesday may just be following you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You enjoy a week of felicity and solicitation-free bliss, as you refuse to answer the phone or the door. This may have something to do with the fact that you forgot to pay your monthly "social bill" and have had all such social services cut off, but you don't care, it's nice and quiet.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
As penance for killing (accidentally) the god of really very tiny things last week you donate your entire collection of styrofoam trays and peanuts that you had been saving for some rainy day arts & crafts party to the first place of worship you happen upon.
You're surprised when you're shooed away because they think you're that person that always wanders by and attempts to deposit McDonald's wrappers and containers in their garbage.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This week you will receive what's probably some kind of divine revelation, telling you to not kill your boss but at least maim his plants.
This, luckily, will coincide with you having an urge to take scissors to something, and not really having any viable outlet for that urge.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Funny how Aquinas' judgement theories were mentioned earlier, as you had just begin working on something entitled "Critique of Judgement." And you were going on about how educated guessing is so highly underrated. Especially when you just make up the bit about being educated about your subject/guess.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The pantheist decides maroon curtains would look better in your bedroom, making you believe he's possibly been around your flat (not to mention poking around in your bedroom! unless you let him in there on purpose, I guess, then you can't really be angry with him) for just a bit too long now, despite all his quirky fun-ness and multiple god thing he has going on.
When you find his dirty footprints all over the kitchen counter after you return from work one day may just be the end of it.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Stranded on a desert island, life is a bit boring this week for you.
Luckily, you thought to bring along a comic book, though, you begin to suspect, you think you know how the comic book is going to end by the time you've been on the island for three days.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There are over seventeen billion signs in the Zodiac, do you realise that?
Of course we only chronicle like eight or so of them here, but there are over one hundred and ninety-six thousand signs in the real, honest to goodness Zodiac.
And you're one of them. Doesn't it make you feel good to be a part of something?
Not like that Joe Fritz, over on Third St., he doesn't even have a Zodiac sign, despite there being one billion five hundred thousand and forty of them to choose from.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The code word for this week is "Guadalupe," breaking the string of non proper nouns as code words. Guadalupe is about as proper as they come, let me tell you.
You wll have a smarmy week.
[Horoscopes. an official publication of the government of q.i. productions]
