The Horoscopes
Brought to you by diving intervention
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is so your week.
Work it, baby, work it.
Just remember to buy the drinks: no one likes someone who's having all the luck and isn't buying the drinks.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't do anything this week. I want you to sit very, very still, in the odd case that any movement, whatsoever makes you have to make a decision.
That sort of stuff should be put off until next week, at the very least. Friday, at the earliest. So if you had chores to do or errands to run, well, ask people if you can put 'em off until the weekend (and then try and make yourself scarce at the weekend, only to appear next Monday with a sly grin on your face and an insouciant shrug of your shoulders, as if to say, "What? Was I supposed to do something?").
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week you will find it incredibly difficult to concentrate.
The spider monkeys that have infested your attic may have something to do with that, in addition to the moon being in Aquarius.
And the brass band practise centre that's been built next door to you. That, too, may be making concentrating difficult.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
It will be time to face up to a nemesis this week.
If they are bigger than you, bring along some fellow large Geminis... it doesn't have to be the person's nemesis whom they have to face.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be picky this week.
Also, do not wear that outfit you'd planned on for Wednesday... no white after Labour Day...
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This is an excellent week to ditch your responsibilities and run off to a tropical island with a few select loved ones.
A tropical island may be a metaphor for something else... say a somewhat dark-ish two bedroom flat up about two storeys too high.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Someone's going to try and make you the fall guy this week.
This is not anything like the Lee Majors vehicle back in the 80s, so don't get all excited about the opportunity, this is something you'll want to avoid. Becoming the non-Lee Majors fall guy, that is.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your investigation from the past couple weeks comes to a halt at a McDonald's downtown when it hits you that you haven't eaten a thing for a couple of weeks since you've been on the run from the dame with the gams that wouldn't quit.
She joins you and, surprisingly, has more food than you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
What do you want this week?
Well, no one's going to get it for you except yourself.
Unless it's a coffee or something, in which case there may be an intern or someone around that's about to make a coffee run, and you can, indeed, have them get it for you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Try stretching this week.
It won't help you get a horoscope back, but it will make you nice and limber in case you someday do get one.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When someone offers you a Boston cream pie turn to them (assuming you weren't facing them and they kind of surprised you with the whole pie offer, coming in from the side like that) and say, in a calm, reassuring manner, "No, thanks."
You don't want people thinking you're weak and will just accept any old Boston cream pie shoved in your face.
And then, once you've said that, hand them the prepared list of steps a person must go through before presenting you with a Boston cream pie.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This would be an excellent week to grow a third arm or something.
If you became an inventor like Tony Stark like you'd intended to, as a young kid, well, just bolt on an extra arm to your Iron Man suit and you'll do fine.
[Horoscopes. I suppose it's peanut butter and jelly time.]