The Horoscopes
It's not all fun and games at the ok corral.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be remarkably eloquent this week.
So either use it to your advantage by asking for a raise or thrilling and delighting the object of your affection. Don't, under any circumstance, use it by ringing Natalie Portman's home phone number you got off that guy on the tour of Beverly Hills and speaking sweetly to her (purported) answering machine.
That's my home phone number, and I'm sick of all the calls I've been getting.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Learn a new trick this week, after all, you aren't an old dog!
If your life goal was to have someone sidle up to you after you've done something and nudge you with their elbow and say, "You old dog, you!" well, this isn't your week, anyway.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Umm... you forgot your twenty bucks.
As in the local currency, not twenty of the male version of deer. Those you'd be hard pressed to forget anywhere, no matter how much you might like to.
The state of your front lawn is a testament to that.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A little foresight goes a long way.
Try planning ahead a couple of weeks, as I don't see any indication in your sign that the apocalypse is upon us.
Don't get crazy, just plan something for maybe mid-December. And then take it from there.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try and bring the dance "The Robot" back into style this week.
Based on your stars, you're not going to be successful at it, it'll just be entertaining for others to watch at your expense.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Jupiter moving through your house means you shouldn't eat blueberry oat bran muffins.
The fact that they taste like dry cardboard is another good reason not to eat them.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Someone very small will bring a smile to your face this week...
It's Herman, the Funny Midget! he'll be visiting all Pisces this week as part of a special promotional deal or another.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The dame with gams that won't quit gets things kick started by actually kicking things in your living room, which is scary, but perhaps just a little intriguing. Not intriguing enough to keep you inside the house with the crazy kicking woman in your living room.
Unfortunately, it seems she's got eyes that haven't quit either, because she saw you leave, and has followed you out of the house... this certainly gets your investigation into the tragic fall of happiness going.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Rumba rumba rumba is all you can think about this week.
Honestly, I don't know how you even managed to read this horoscope with those heady beats thumping in your head.
Note to you, if you did manage to read this: Don't get a hangover this week, what with the heady thumping rhythms going on.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You shouldn't have done that.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The laws of physics, or one of them, anyway, will be suspended for you this week.
Go ahead and try to figure out which one...
...
Oh, okay, I have to tell you.
You're going to be able to whistle with a mouth completely full of Jello(tm).
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're going to get jabbed in the arm on Tuesday.
Don't take that to mean you can go around kissing birds, though... the avian kind, I mean.
[Horoscopes. The iPod Inviso (Quicktime required)! Which is more worrying, that McSweeney's published this joke after SNL aired it, or that we're linking to SNL content?]