The Horoscopes
Fresh from the oven. Celestial oven.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Kiss a thousand frogs and you're bound to find a prince or princess.
Start kissing prince or princesses and you might wind up with a few kicks from their security guards, but personally, I'd take the kicking over kissing frogs.
It's your choice this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will get jabbed in the legs on Monday.
On the upside, you'll be 27 inches tall and weigh 14 lbs. 11 ounces.
Some will say you clinging to the English measurement system is stubborn resistance to cooperation. But we all know it's your irrational fear of decimeters that drives you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will get a fax from a parapsychologist this week.
Wait, that might be a psychologist.
Then again, it may be a parapyschologist. If nothing shows up by Thursday assume it was the para- version and that a fax may be lodged telepathically in your brain by now.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Feed a fever, starve a cold.
However, if you're like me, and you like eating, I find that conveniently forgetting the saying and feeding a cold, starving a fever, in the event that I have a cold (and you do, this week, whether you know it or not), works wonders, as well.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't discount the opinions of others this week.
Especially if one of the others is Kofi Annan.
But if he's giving you advice on clothes shopping again this week, feel free to ignore him.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Enjoy the company of someone you know and love this week.
They, unlike the one from the previous week, won't steal your personal space.
They will, however, given the chance, steal precious naptime away from you. In return, however, they will cook you sausages and mash.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Start buying munchkins now!
You will have visitors over to see you and you'd better be well stocked!
Aries March 21 - April 19
So this is week two of the mystery of who chucked happiness down the stairs.
And you're still sitting on your couch for the bulk of the week, eating Cheetos and drinking beer.
The investigation, in some senses, is going well, but in the "how close is it to getting resolved" sense it's not going well at all.
And then a dame walks into your living room, with gams that wouldn't quit. That gets things kickstarted.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This is a promising week for love for you.
Unfortunately you're going to ruin anything you might be getting going with a kitchen fire on Tuesday. Kitchen fires take precedence over love, sad to say.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This horoscope has thrown a NullPointerException. In addition, it has thrown a LameAndGeekyException while throwing the previous one.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Stop the madness!
Also, while you're at it, slow down the triteness, someone's going to fall and hurt themselves.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Like a warm bun from the oven, you will rise and rise and rise.
Hopefully, unlike a warm bun from the oven, someone won't sit on you as they take the seat next to you in a the restaurant.
Also, someone will sit on a fresh bun you've ordered from a bakery/restaurant this week. I don't recommend eating it after that's happened. Least of all not when the person is still sitting on it.
[Horoscopes. What an excellent place to do your holiday shopping...]