The Horoscopes
Hoo boy!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
For some inexplicable reason, due to Saturn rounding third and heading for home, you will be violently allergic to cinnamon this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be on your best behaviour this week.
If your best behaviour involves burping a lot, well, so be it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be flying high this week!
You'll also get to meet the future prime minister of Greenland. We're not telling which person you meet it will be. Just try and be nice to everyone, just in case you ever need anything from Greenland in the future.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
There will be something green in your salad on Tuesday.
And not green in the normal, leafy sense. This will be something green and unpleasant in your salad. Like broccoli, only worse.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
An intense longing will grip your soul this week, making you either incredibly eloquent or incredibly quiet.
You've probably been reading too much Keats. Take a break from the Keats and try taking a cooking class or something. If you are too short to take a cooking class, try biting someone's ankle.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Listen, you pull a stunt like that and the stars are going to be well and truly pissed off.
And furthermore, it's not like this week's Aries horoscope, where you had physical harm coming to you, you were supposed to get a massage! Not a message, no boiling oil, massage!
This week you'd better watch your step. And get a massage, already.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
No matter how closely you try and follow the directions, you'll have a very hard time opening milk cartons without spilling quite a lot of the contents.
Also: a penny saved is a penny earned. So be sure to report it on your taxes.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be dipped in boiling oil this week.
Hopefully you're the sort of person that's into that. Otherwise it's not gonna be a fun week to be an Aries.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Talk around the water cooler will revolve around you in an unflattering way unless you can work some major spin control.
Try blaming a Scorpio, it works for me most every time.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You'll get mentioned this week!
In someone else's horoscope, but it's a start. And if you resist when the people come and try and put the handcuffs on you you'll probably get a mention next week, as well!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The words "peanut butter" keep echoing in your star sign for me this week. I'm not sure why.
Keep your eyes open, and a glass of milk handy, just in case.
Just don't ask any Pisces for the milk, is all.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Life is like a ceiling fan.
Get too close and you'll realise that they simply don't have enough force to chop your arm off, no matter how it may look on television programmes.
[Horoscopes. What Gives, You Anti-Commie, Anti-Pinko B**tards! ]