The Horoscopes
Stay spooky, pookie.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A pack of wild animals (you'll later tell the newspaper reporters they were wolves, though they may have just been really angry badgers) will rip apart a convenience store in front of your very eyes this week.
Not only will it make you think twice about just how much you needed that extra bottle of milk, it'll make you challenge everything that makes us human.
Your flair for the melodramatic, as you can see, will still be intact.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Speaking of "in tact," don't mention his approval ratings being, almost literally, in the toilet, when you meet the president of the United States this week.
Maybe just snigger behind his back or something. Or slap a 'Kick Me' sign on his. Just watch out for the secret service agents. Those guys hate those 'Kick Me' signs.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Just when you think you can't take it any more, you have a wombat infestation in your walls during the course of the week and you start wishing for the good old days.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You shouldn't be wishing for the good old days.
No, I wouldn't waste any wishes. Wish for lots of money! Or fame!
Or a bowl of pudding! A bowl of pudding in the present is worth more than two hundred good old days*.
*NB. Your mileage and actual worth of pudding vs. good old days may vary depending on exchange rates and availability.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Someone you know and love very much will stop running so damn much this week.
Take the opportunity to laze around on the couch. If the couch isn't near enough them, drag it over and laze around.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Beware Greeks bearing gifts.
Vietnamese, too. Because their gifts may be more soup. And after Monday night, you may not be able to handle much more Vietnamese soup, as good as it may be.
I swear someone will give you a break come Saturday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Someone will drag a couch over to you this week.
So what if it's blocking your escape route out of the kitchen, they only did it because they care about you. You should appreciate the gesture for what it is, and don't harangue them for lazing about on the couch while you work away in the kitchen.
Aries March 21 - April 19
It's tie-a-small-child-to-your-hip week!
Please either ask permission or have your own child before tying them to your hip.
Keep it real, yo.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Get while the getting is good.
That will be Wednesday, 10am.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Like a horse with no name, you are a guy with no horoscope.
'Guy' is meant in the nongender-specific way, of course.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Throw the person tailing you off by stopping and smelling the bougainvillea bushes this week.
They may not smell like much, but just may be the point.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't trade what you have for all the tea in China. Besides, the suitcase that guy is carrying will not look nearly large enough to hold that much tea. Unless China's hit like a big production problem when it comes to making tea these days.
[Horoscopes. Sounds about right. And this is interesting.... Shame they didn't let Canadians vote on their hockey preference...]