Taurus April 20 - May 20
The jig's up! Which is good, you were getting a bit sick of twirling around in all this post-Flatley sh*te.
Now you're on to something a bit better: square dancing.
Leo July 23 - August 22
While stopping in at the local deli you are whisked away and one of two things will happen:
a). It will just turn out you got caught in an unusually strong wind and eventually get stopped by a telephone pole, street vendor's cart, or, if you live in a more rural area, a goat.
b). Or it could be that you aren't really whisked away and you'd just gotten your shirt/dress stuck on the meat counter, and now feel quite foolish, having tugged and kicked and screamed for a good five minutes before realising you just need to unhook that bit of fabric.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Turns out last week's big news in soaps was not as was reported, Jeff leaving Bridget for Catrina and the Waves, but Jeff leaving Bridget for Catrina of Wales.
I know, I know, we were just as shocked as you were.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
In lieu of flowers this week, your significant other (or just plain stranger, if there is none) brings home a cow. If this were the middle ages, you'd more than likely be very touched. However, the gift only marks up your kitchen floor and forgets to put the toilet seat down.
If you are a celebrity, great gobs of happiness follow you everywhere you go, making you not a little disconcerted.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
"Have a nice week."
This from our Cartesian secretary to you.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You run into the god of really quite tiny things this week, and the title suits it. Trouble ensues when you accidentally step on it as you're going to catch the bus.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It wasn't until 1771 that Carl whatshisface discovered oxygen.
And lucky for us, too, as in 1995 more than 85% of people in the EU and United States chose oxygen as their favourite breathable gas.
This week, show you like it, too, and breath right on away!
Aries March 21 - April 19
A stranger will pass you their business card this week.
Do not attempt to read it, it seems Geraldo RIvera is out amongst the general public again and attempting to get work.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The charming pantheist finally gets to explaining exactly which gods he's gotten in on, based on a meticulous study of which gods offer the best benefits with the least amount of fire and brimstone and all that sticky moral stuff.
The most intriguing of the lot is the god of toast, who seems fairly congenial, if somewhat dry.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Allez les bleux! France won, you got doused in how many liters of beer and other assorted liquids, you and your friends will celebrate Bastille Day passed out on the lawn of some public building. Which is, in itself, a sort of storming, if you think about it just right.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There are almost one hundred and like four varieties of bug in the world.
Oh sure, sure, people may tell you there are more, but what they don't know is that the bugs at the beginning of the line sneak around to the back and put on masks and make faces to confuse the counters.
So there aren't nearly as many as people are going to try to have you believe.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Orange juice can save your life, as it just may this week.
Little known to the average drinker, orange juice is high in calcium, vitamin C, tastes great, and is incredibly deft with throwing stars. This is a good beverage to have around if you think you're going to get attacked by someone who won't suspect orange juice to protect you.
[Horoscopes. thanks for the memories, avsi, class of '98]
