The Horoscopes
Don't be cheeky.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Remember, that whatever it is, this, too, shall pass.
So, you know. Either wait it out or enjoy it while it lasts.
Or go out and buy yourself a diesel chainsaw and protect that bugger like there's no tomorrow.
Leo July 23 - August 22
On Thursday, when asked to, you should leap.
Don't bother asking how high. Just leap as high as you can.
You will meet your nana on Tuesday. This is different from getting an iPod nano.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Someone will, no lie, call you "the host(ess) with the most(ess)" this week.
It's up to you whether or not you punch them. Or go out and order the maitre'd outfit with this emblazoned on it somewhere.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Touchdown!
That long-awaited journey will have commenced, and ended, for you this week!
You will meet someone very short on Tuesday.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Turtlenecks are a good look for you this week.
Aside from that, keep your nose clean and try not to step on any wombats.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Umm. So when I said 'clean' last week, I meant, of course, clean in the clean-ish sort of sense, in which things are clean, but only because you're viewing them with eyeglasses with a considerable amount of dirt on them.
If you do not wear eyeglasses we sincerely regret the error.
You will look irrepressibly beautiful on Friday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Give us back our toilet paper!
Your week will present you with the chance to shine!
Hopefully that's not just the oily skin talking.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The blind will be leading, well, you, this week.
Don't be afraid to tell them if they're getting too close to any cliffs or anything. There's being polite, and then there's being stupid.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Celebrate life and all its wonder this week by consuming an inordinate amount of beer.
Then you can celebrate (or witness, at any rate) life and all its headache next week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nuffink, as they say in Cockneyland, the less-spiffed out version of Disneyland set in East London.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will receive a pair of magic mittens this week.
They'll look, smell, and taste like ordinary mittens, but will enable the wearer to fail an auto-mechanic's test with aplomb.
So, like, don't wear them if you've got a test you want to pass this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A visitor from the East will arrive on Tuesday.
You will see someone irrepressibly beautiful on Friday.
[Horoscopes. Got your copy yet?]