The Horoscopes
Choo choo...
Taurus April 20 - May 20
I don't like your chances this week.
If I were you, I'd stay inside, and keep away from the windows.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Arguing with you is like arguing with a rabid raccoon with a preternatural ability to throw things.
That is to say, not fun.
Take advantage of this by seeing how much you can get away with by getting into situations where you would be prevented getting something if someone were willing to argue with you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Assert yourself this week, because no one else is going to.
Besides, where would you start, anyway, asserting someone else? Does it involve pushing them?
Encouraging them? What? I don't know. So how's about you just get to it and assert yourself on your own this week? K? Thanks.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Pack your bags, you're leaving, as the song says, on a freight train!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
What's the rush, bub?
Slow down this week. Stop rushing so much. That pastrami sandwich'll be there when you get back. And if it isn't, well, it's in a better place, anyway.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will awake to a mysteriously clean house on Friday. Well, if you sleep in the middle of the day. And are a very heavy sleeper.
And it might not be an actual house, but an apartment. But you catch our drift.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are one crazy person.
You will have trouble stopping your legs from instinctively moving back and forth after running far too much in Keene, NH this past weekend.
Aries March 21 - April 19
No one expects you to be a martyr.
Which is handy, especially as you thought martyring involved going shopping.
If you are the sort that likes to defy expectations, you might want to check an up-to-date dictionary before doing so in this case.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Someone will not like the cut of your jib this week.
You can either say to them, "Hey, it happens" or change the cut of your jib. As I wouldn't know where to start changing my jib cut I think I'd pick the former. But it's up to you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Something is going to stink this week.
But, then, you don't have a horoscope, so you can, with any luck, ignore it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You, on the other hand, can't.
I suggest Tim's Old Fashioned Nose Plugs.
That's a brand name, just in case you were about to go nick a guy named Tim's nose plugs.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
As the song goes, "All the wild horses."
That's an incomplete sentence. But that''s your week, then.
[Horoscopes. Hockey's back!]