Taurus April 20 - May 20
Last week may or may not have been due to a rather large dose of bad acid. Followed by a right nasty batch of rice pudding. And a wholly uncalled for plate of pancakes.
Your week will be decidedly better, possibly because of the delightful tale of how a few Sicilian gentlemen take you under their wing and teach you the trade of killing people for fun and profit.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You get rather intensely involved with one of the flashers from last week, which leads to no end of persecution at work, at home, amongst friends, and amongst the flasher's friends. Expect a heart-rending tale of hardship, triumphing over the odds, and running around in long overcoats, stopping occasionally to offend the sensibilities of a few older couples out for otherwise innocent strolls.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Sorry about the crack about the fish last week, had been thinking a bit too much about the duration of ideas and that lot. This week, taking a break from cerebral pursuits, you find yourself pool-side, watching the tele, as Bridget leaves Jeff for Catrina and the Waves on your favourite soap.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Experimentation with certain hairstyles frightens half the children in your neighbourhood and earns you the reputation amongst those self-same kids as "The Person with the Frightening Hair."
If you are a celebrity, you more than likely failed to duck last week, and have been hospitalised when you were struck by a falling potted plant from a window you'd been passing by. Those of you whom had ducked, you're hospitalised, too, just a few seconds later, as gravity still brings the plant down on your head, just a little later, is all.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you'd saved the little blue candies last week you can rest assured your grandchildren will live in a world peopled by the things. Especially considering, after you'd helped them out they've grown smug and arrogant and are planning to kick you out of your house and take over the world. Nice going.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Last week's column really resonated deeply within you, and you wanted to write the head editor and let him know just how brilliant it was, but you never got around to it, and now have gotten stuck with this horrible horoscope and dodgy issue for your non-trouble.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Did you know that five out of oh, like seven or so dentists really think they're loved and cherished by their patients?
Well, that's not an entirely, nor at all, true statement, but I just thought I'd throw it out there to see how it sounded. Or looked. Rather.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Where do you get off, having a horoscope that's just so bloody far down on the page? It's a real effort to get down this far, let me tell you.
Medium-sized toast is a key player in your week this week. If you've ever stolen packets of jam from a restaurant before you're all set.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You meet a charming pantheist this week, who offers you tea. You accept, and develop an odd friendship with this charming eccentric. If there were a particularly furry dog or possibly a rabbit involved, talking or not, you'd have a blockbuster family feature film.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If Florence Henderson comes 'round your house this week, it's ok, just let her in and let her do whatever she likes with the rugs, I sent her.
However, it'd be nice if you gave her a little something in the way of a tip, or something.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Being fleet afoot isn't what it used to be.
Being really incredibly slow on your feet never was quite a virtue or blessing or what have you, but you've never thought of yourself as ever having occasion to use this newly coined phrase. That all changes this week. If someone offers to handcuff your leg to a bicycle rack this week, you might want to first politely point out to them the idiocy of handcuffing a leg, and secondly that'd you'd really rather just have the use of all your limbs, thanks.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There was a really pleasant story about two sheepherders, a fair maiden or three, grassy knolls, a wishing well, a surprisingly large nose, four buckets filled with milk (for the most part), a gnarled tree that actually had been two once, and a bulldozer.
Ah, well, isn't that what it always ends up being about, though.
[Horoscopes. so. shag?]
