The Horoscopes
Buddy Arriveth?
Taurus April 20 - May 20
An otherwise lovely week will be ruined by a giant ham sitting smack dab in the middle of your living room on Wednesday.
I don't know about you, but I like ham and everything, but a big slab of it sitting around just smells a little bit.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be receiving big news this week.
Also, eat your greens.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will also be receiving big news this week.
You can eat your greens, too, but not as much as Leos need to.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You, too, shall be receiving big news this week.
Don't poke things that look like they wouldn't like being poked.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're too small to be getting big news.
Appreciate the smaller things in life. And, since you're small, being a little self-absorbed this week is okay.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Consider this week the end of a long, hard journey. Or like the end of a really painful film that other people insisted you all keep watching just to see the ending of the damn thing.
If you have been slacking off the last few weeks, it's time to get your butt outdoors and shake a (finally non-cramped) leg!
If you haven't been slacking off, it's time for you to take it easy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The news, also, shall rise for you. Err, receive. Be received by you.
You're getting news this week.
So no going out on long runs, because news may travel fast, but if you don't have one of those fancy GPRS systems it's not going to reach you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Turtles have the right idea when it comes to active participation in democratically-based governments.
They're turtles.
(Trust me, just meditate on that one.)
Libra September 23 - October 22
Lasagne is this week's code word!
Use it sparingly.
And, umm, you may need a bigger freezer.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You, hoo hoo hoo, boop boop bee doo, have no, ho ho ho ho, horoscope, nope-ope-a-dope, this week.
But you do have a song in your heart. Which is nice.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Like a clam fritter, your week appears hard on the outside, but, when bitten into, contains a molten core of gooey clam-based goo!
Bite with care!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will receive a small package this week.
It's not the decoder ring you ordered when you were seven, I'll tell you that much.
[Horoscopes. Get ready for the autumn... ]