The Horoscopes
For Buffs.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Once, just once in your life, you get a chance to make a difference. This is not that time.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. Other times a six foot five bodyguard is the best defense.
This week, choose the six foot five bodyguard over offense.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will get a call from someone in the hospital this week!
No, not that one. This one will be from some guy down at the bookies that mistook your little bet on the horses at Suffolk Downs as a signal to have someone's legs broken. This shows you the importance of being clear when you speak.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your mental agility this week is amazing.
Not quite as amazing is your physical agility. So no, you cannot bend yourself into a pretzel this week, either. Sorry.
But it's a good thing, anyway, because you wouldn't be able to answer the door for the visitor you receive on Thursday if you were knotted into a pretzel.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
I don't know what that thing is you decide to wear on Wednesday, but you should never, ever wear it again.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Oh dear. On Monday you will first learn how to talk (or at least listen) on the telephone. Welcome to a life of large telephone bills.
That was for the shorter Cancers out there. For you taller ones, take a four day work week. Go on, we've got it authorised and everything. Enjoy. No need to thank us.
PS. You look particularly beautiful this week.
PPS. And now that we can make tiny rocks on the beach jokes without major repercussions notice how we've not made one. Go figure, eh?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are really far too generous.
Really.
Which is why you shouldn't bother looking for the shirt off your back on Tuesday... because it's gone, way gone.
Carry an extra robe, at any rate, and don't go giving that away, as well.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Be thoughtful this week. Someone will ask for space. Give it to them.
And if they keep it up next week they're just trying to brush you off, so feel free to set fire to a token item of theirs in your possession.
Libra September 23 - October 22
It will start with a kiss. This week.
Make sure you keep your teeth well-brushed this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
It's a real bummer that you don't get horoscopes like the preceding, isn't it?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
An experiment will go horribly awry, that's right, awry, and singe your eyebrows off. Not quite superpowers, unless you count people stopping in the street to determine what's different about your appearance as a superpower.
For the record, the internationally recognised Board of Super Powers and Lawnmowers does not recognise that as a power, super or otherwise.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I promise you that you will not have to carry anything too heavy up or down stairs this week.
Just be ready for a couple weeks time... when you will have to.
[Horoscopes. For you interactive fiction buffs. (Warning, may be inordinately geeky.)]