The Horoscopes
Here you go.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This one will start out slowly. Stick with it, though, because it'll get better by the end.
Unfortunately, I'm only referring to your week, and not the film you'll rent on Tuesday night.
Leo July 23 - August 22
No amount of peanut butter will fix what happens on Thursday.
You can try, but you'll just end up with a situation made worse by the copious amounts of peanut butter spread everywhere. And then the ants.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Turn an inconvenient incident into an occasion to celebrate the little things in life, like being told beforehand that something inconvenient is going to happen during the week, so you can pack a good book in your bag.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Whatever happened to just baking a couple of loafs of brown bread and sending them off to semi-random people?
Revive that ancient tradition this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't be alarmed if you wake up and find your feet, well, alarmingly close to your face.
Just take a few deep breaths and everything'll be okay.
Also, do not buy properties along the San Andreas Fault this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have a cranberry apple oatbran muffin on Tuesday morning.
Also of note this week, you'll meet Bono, of U2 fame, this week.
[NB. Meeting of Bono subject to availability, void where prohibited, may cause unsightly rashes.]
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I am sensing you have a package to send someone.
A big package. And it contains... Munchkins.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A pack of wild dogs will tear a lollipop from your hand this week.
Which is, of course, why you don't make bold pronouncements about lollipops you may have in your possession.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You walk into a bar, followed by a rabbi and a priest.
They keep trying to get you to ask the bartender something, but if I were you, I'd have none of it.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
NullPointerException, Horoscope.java line 46: scorpioHoroscope(), "No Horoscope for Scorpios."
[Our staff geeks assure me this makes sense.]
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Try attracting flies with honey. Then try attracting them with vinegar.
Does the fly zapper you bought this week work well enough? For your sake I hope you didn't skimp and get the low end model, with all the flies you'll have around.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You have three weeks remaining of relative quiet.
Somehow, though, you will not mind this.
[Horoscopes. Volleyball! Okay, so maybe it's not completely authentic... but it's addictive.]