The Horoscopes
The horoscopes ride again.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't do anything too stupid this week.
This includes gambling on goldfish races. Sorry.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Okay, listen, we have to talk... you probably have a glittery green basketball jersey in your closet.
You need help. Please get rid of that shirt.
If you don't have one, well, your subconscious knew this day would come and got you to not buy it in the first place. Thank your subconscious by taking it out for an ice cream.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You can just go get an ice cream, no special reason for you, like the Leos need.
Okay, Julie, this one's for you: Avoid the corner of Wolfe and Homestead on Thursday afternoon between 3 and 6. And get an ice cream.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Trust your instincts this week, they're stronger than ever, especially regarding relationships and gardening.
Your gardening relationships, for example, will be incredibly strong this week, if you listen to your heart. Which is, umm, of course, part and parcel of the instinctual system.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't be fooled this week by false friends.
Or fickle friends. Basically, most alliterative type of friends will give you problems this week. Even fine friends. Shocking, but true.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Okay, listen up, two-for-the-price-of-one, as I've taken to calling the two people I'm sensing I'm writing this horoscope to out there.
One of you is very short.
Try a little patience, and pineapple and ham pizza, you might like it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Get out of the house, now!
Actually, we were just testing your reflexes. If this were an actual emergency, we would have preceded the preceding message with a coded word or two to indicate alarm.
Carry on with what you were doing before.
Aries March 21 - April 19
There will be an option on the table to turn your life into a reality television series this week.
Please, for the love of all that's holy and good, don't do it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Oh man, are you coming or going or what this week?
I mean, come on, make up your mind!
Friends who are close to you will notice your inner turmoil and probably keep a safe distance because we had to ring most of them and warn them about that self-same inner turmoil.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Burp if you need to, is my advice to non-horoscope-getting Zodiac signs.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You once knew a blind man who was very wise, but smelled of cheese and butter.
Think about how butter and smelly cheese might be applied in your life... ... you thinking about it? How about now?
Eerily applicable, isn't it?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't break any fingers this week.
Also, put two of those little peach things that aren't quite peaches but look an awful lot like them in your loved one's lunch bag this week each day. And a plum.
[Horoscopes. Give Steve a new outfit.]