The Horoscopes
Yawp!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Oh the wonders you will behold this week!
By wonders we may mean things that cause you to wonder at them, not wonderful things, necessarily.
We may also mean 'wonders' in a quotidian kind of boring kind of way. Just to cover our bases.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will sound your barbaric yawp this week.
Sound it a couple times, if you like, and you live in a remote sort of area. Sounding yawps in densely populated areas can get you quite a bit of abuse.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You may want to invest in some good earplugs this week. Especially with Leos running around yawping all over the place.
Also, do not wear yellow on Friday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Smile, and the whole world smiles with you this week.
Frown, and two thirds will, probably because of something France did. Or the United States. Or even, possibly, you.
If I were you, I would take a lead from the USA or France and just ignore those frowners, anyway.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Turn around right...... now.
No one? How about now?
Well, someone special should be walking into your life any second... now!
Ehm, give or take.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I have a sense, a strong sense, mind you, that there are two of you I'm talking to, here.
Two... and one... is busy doing something else... or can't read... or something.
Am I right?
You will both have an ice cream sandwich this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
As you probably know, your sign is the twelfth house. Of secrets.
We possibly should not have told you that.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be cursed (from what, we don't know) with doing teen astrology for this week.
Which, at the best, means dealing with lots of teens... and at the worst... it means dealing with a lot of starry eyed, mopey teens.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be active this week.
Now, I don't suggest you do anything so radical as get up off the couch, if you don't normally do that sort of thing, but at least project an active, go-getter sort of air.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Ohhhhh, still no horoscope. Imagine that!
If you are still surprised by this you're going to have a great week... and it means you're very easily surprised.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you look at a menu, and see things you can't see, what does that make them?
Take that same approach with your personal life this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It's confirmed. You are either supernaturally lucky or you've sold your soul to an alien that can control the fates of man!
[Horoscopes. Hmm... number four... coming soon?]