The Horoscopes
Jeez. 400.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Keep quiet this week.
Maybe people won't notice that last week was your last week, and you'll continue to exist, metaphorically or otherwise. It's the same trick I would try to play when I was a kid, up late, watching television, and hoping not to be noticed and packed off to bed. It worked, occasionally. I think.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Five of your fifteen minutes of fame will happen this week.
Be sure to brush your teeth and carry toothpicks if you plan on having any particularly troublesome meals.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Practice patience this week.
Not because you're an impatient person, but just so you're fit, patience-wise. I tend to practice patience by stopping, wherever I'm going, if I see a bus stop, and hanging around until the bus shows up. Only then can I carry on with my day.
Carry a can of mace or other suitable protective device, because bus drivers can get pissed off at this kind of behaviour.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Make yourself comfortable this week.
If fluffing pillows is your thing, think of this as the week you get to enjoy all that pillow fluffing.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's going to take a lot of hard work and perseverance to get your daily requirement of cookies this week.
Especially if you haven't been vocal, prior to this, about exactly how many cookies you require on a daily basis.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will receive a beautiful diaper bag this week.
It'll be more beautiful if you either are expecting someone who will need the diaper bag or you are someone who either needs a diaper bag or is going to need it in the pretty near future.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Someone you know will stick their feet in their mouth this week.
If the someone you know is quite small this will be pretty ordinary for you. Otherwise, you may want to check and make sure you haven't fallen asleep in the circus tent again, only to wake up in Toledo with a very scratchy beard pasted onto your face.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Be a spaceman!
If you want to be a spaceman, that is. No one's going to come up and explicitly give you permission to be one, because no one has the time to run through the entire list of things you could be. So go out and do it.
Oh, just don't go out and be a chimney sweep. There's probably not too much call for that kind these days. Then again, there might be. I would still stay away, though.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You know, what, you rarely overanalyse things.
I want you to just overanalyse the heck out of something this week.
Worry and fret about it until your eyes get bloodshot. It'll make next week seem easier when you get back to simply analysing or, in the odd case, underanalysing things.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This week you will read about why you have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Okay, so you're homeless after the incident last week.
You might as well learn to live without those drapes you've been carrying around ever since. This is not a metaphor for anything, they're just too damn heavy to be carting around everywhere, so leave 'em in a dumpster or something.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Umm, you missed the post office last week.
Hit it this week.
Also, this is an excellent week in which your money house is aligned with your love house, making a pretty interesting sight in the northern sky.
It'll also mean you'll be flat broke by the end of the week, but you'll love it. Or something.
[Horoscopes. Coooool. Free books.]