The Horoscopes
Gone. But we'll be back, don't fret. No fretting allowed.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Green is your colour this week.
Not as in money, though, I'm afraid, I'm seeing more of a mouldy sort of green. Sorry.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Many people will complain that life is not fair.
You should just advise them to look to the stars for solace. Life will still not be fair, but at least you'll have physics to blame. Not nearly enough people blame physics.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be making a long journey this week.
I see... air travel in your future. Honest.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
I see a lot of houseguests in your future.
Maybe consider taking that long holiday you've been dreaming about this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You are still very, very small.
"When are you gonna grow up?" people may ask you.
Tell them soon, soon enough, after all, you're only a couple months old. If you aren't actually a couple months old, tell them you mean it metaphorically, of course.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will say "I do" at the end of the week... you will say "I do" at the end of the week...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This week is full of sass for you.
I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. If you host an annoying television show this is probably a good thing. Otherwise, if you're dealing with the rest of us, maybe it isn't so great.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Honk if you like bananas!
Libra September 23 - October 22
This week is a very exclamatory sort of week!
Maybe invest in ear plugs. All that shouting can't be good for your beauty sleep.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Don't look now, but you've got no horoscope!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't look now, but someone's stolen your precious mink stole!
Or at least that's the justification you should give if you get caught by anyone, attacking that poor woman with the mink stole.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will say "I do" at the end of this week. There's no hypnotising about it, man, you have no more say in the matter. Sign on the dotted line.
It'll be the best thing you do.
[Horoscopes. The Upright Man. Worthwhile reading from Michael Marshal Smi... err, Michael Marshall.]