The Horoscopes
Don't work too hard, kids.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
There are going to be a lot of people saying you can't do something this week.
If those people are talking about physics-defying things (like rollerblading down 5th Avenue wearing a hockey helmet, three bags of groceries, a tutu, and Mark Messier, famous New York Rangers and Edmonton Oilers center), listen to them. Don't attempt to do what they're saying you can't do. Just let it go.
Sure, this ruins the fun for a lot of people who enjoy goading you into doing dumb things, but it will ensure you and Mark Messier are pretty happy with your week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your nickname this week will be "The Crab." This isn't for your sour demeanour, but for the way you scuttle across the floor on all fours.
And that's it. Just tell people, if they ask your name, that you're the Crab. This week, anyway.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will feel an urgent need to break free from your normal routine this week.
All I can say is, when you break free, make sure there's enough room around you so no one else gets hurt.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will call someone you love and tell them to stop working so damn hard this week.
Once you're done with that, you can take the rest of the week off, and I owe you a beer.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You may have just been blackmailed, or someone may have gathered the material for some good old-fashioned blackmailing down the road.
I'm just warning you. Get out of town now, or you're in trouble later.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Henry David Thoreau once said "Simplify." He actually said it twice, but I've cut it for brevity here.
You will need to simplify this week.
And no, this isn't just a ploy by your friend to get you to give him your brand new Powerbook.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You find yourself on the fast-track to success this week!
Unfortunately, if you're one of those "gym people" the fast-track to success may simply mean the treadmill.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Remember to set the timer on your lights if you're going on holiday this week.
Also, if you have any pies or cakes that you think might go off you might as well send them to your local horoscope writer. It can only help the quality of future horoscopes.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your week will be dominated by thoughts of potato wedges.
So long as you get to have some, it's not a bad thing to be dominated by during the course of the week, I have to say.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I have nothing to say to you, punk.
Because you have no horoscope, you see.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This is an excellent time to make an investment in something that will come across your desk. Metaphorical desk, if you haven't actually got a desk.
Oh. Wait. Actually, this may not be an excellent time to make an investment. I'm having trouble with this one.
All right, here's your celestial tie-breaker: flip a coin. If it's heads, invest. Tails, don't.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Nonverbal communication is your thing this week.
Personally, I would just take the opportunity to catch up on sleep. That, in it's own beautiful way, is nonverbal communication. Less so if you snore.
[Horoscopes. Haunted bookshelves and the Daleks are invading! Cool.]