The Horoscopes
Stop, look, and listen
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be sorely tempted to ignore your mother's advice and not look both ways before crossing the street.
I really wouldn't do that. Not this week, anyway.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have to reprogram the time on at least two major household appliances this week.
So don't sit around, wasting time when you should be looking for the manuals for your answering machine and VCR, at the least.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Life, for you, is like a zucchini nut loaf.
Crunchy and full of little green bits.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Though you could easily be the poster child for non-lazy people, this week I want you to slow down, appreciate the finer things in life.
Otherwise we have to come up with something for you to do, astrally speaking, and we're just stuck on your sign this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're only tiny. If you sit still, people won't even notice you, and they won't make you do any work.
Don't buy that malarkey about getting noticed.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You wake up on Wednesday to find you've turned into a peanut. A walking, talking, life-size peanut.
Must have been all those peanuts you've been eating.
On the upside, you don't have to worry about putting on suncream any more, and your workload has been lightened a lot. People just don't seem to expect as much of peanuts, for whatever reason.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will teach an aerobics-type class on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday this week.
Leave any valuable things you have with someone who lives down the road.
Just don't leave them with your Elvis records. They're not that trustworthy.
Aries March 21 - April 19
If you were to walk backwards a mile in someone's shoes you'd probably be able to help them find their keys.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't listen to those people around you pissed off that you seem to be celebrating Saint Patrick's Day a little late this year.
It's meant to be a multi-week sort of holiday.
You may just want to stop swinging the leather whip around in crowded bars, those things'll take out an eye, you know.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
.uoy rof epocsoroh oN
Still.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Let sleeping dogs lie. Especially the one you see on Thursday.
Unless you don't value the use of your hands. In which case, by all means, wake 'em up.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't do anything drastic this week. Like go out and get a poodle.
Come on, I know you were thinking about it...
[Horoscopes. London... as seen through the eyes of a cartoon. Or Boston.]