The Horoscopes
Crunchy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Thou shalt not frolic this week.
It's bad form, especially when people around you aren't in as good a mood as you.
Keep your frolicking behind closed doors this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
"Spit in the eye of the Devil on Thursday and more hay to harvest come June."
This is the old proverb you will misremember all week, and will prevent you from speaking up in too many conversations, for fear of other people laughing at you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Don't believe the hype this week.
Also, don't believe anyone named Chip this wek.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't take anything for granted this week.
Especially not prune juice. You'll know why by Thursday.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Thursday is the big day this week.
If you can manage to open up a balloon shop before then you'll make a mint.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will catch up on sleep this week.
Also, a fire baton juggling incident at a company dinner on Thursday will have people agog. Oh, and it will also have them running from the flames.
You may want to pass on that particular act.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Bears will descend upon your town this week, probably around Thursday, since everything else seems to be happening on that day.
I would either consider building a tree house (they're not climbers, these bears) or investing in bear prevention supplies.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will have a big decision to make this week.
Ask those involved to help you with it. It will make it seem like you're interested in their opinion, and they, in turn, may ask you about stuff they have already made their minds up about, too.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The killer bees have finally arrived! After all those years of threatening to come up from Texas and devour the country they have!
Only it's too cold in the Northeast, and they all freeze and die.
Consider this like a parable for the rest of your week. That which the papers report and scare you with will probably not do well in temperatures below 32° Fahrenheit.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You got nuffink.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
After trying a little love and tenderness, you might want to go ahead and try cold, hard cash.
Or even lukewarm cash might work better.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will, for some weird reason, be really happy to be punched by someone this week.
Either they've got a really weak punch or you're not too bright... perhaps a little of both?
[Horoscopes. Head on down and talk about it in the forums.]