Taurus April 20 - May 20
Today is the first day of the rest of the week. This previous statement will be horribly wrong if you're reading this on any day besides Monday. Or Sunday, depending when you consider the week beginning. Any which way, either Monday or Sunday is the first day of the rest of the week, your week.
So you can probably feel pretty secure in putting anything off until sometime later in the week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week, exactly like a melon doesn't, promises to be full of pulp. Err... or, rather, this week promises to be full of surprises. Which I guess a melon could be, if the farmers have been injecting the melons again, against the better advice of the agricultural commission.
So your week will be very much like a melon.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars are in your favour this week, 68% voting in favour of you, 31% against, and 1% abstaining because they had been at dinner at the time of the voting.
Luckily for you, they don't require 3/4 majority or any of that lot, and a simple majority suffices for them to be in your favour this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A ridiculous amount of job-related turmoil will make you reevalute your calling in life.
For the record, a ridiculous amount is approximately equal (in this and all cases) to a co-worker or three coming on to you while a client's dog pees on your desk and the boss' runaway gerbil that still, despite the shower, remains chewing on your desk leg until it collapses on top of the gerbil, part of the dog, and one of the co-workers coming on to you, stopping the co-worker short.
If you are a celebrity giant shards of pillows will rain down upon your house for the entire week, making it an interesting sight for thousands of tourists taking the bus tour past.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The weather this week causes you no end of problems. Whether it's because it rains so much your garden is flooded and you end up not being able to have homegrown carrots for dinner tonight, the sun hurts your eyes and makes you sneeze everytime you step out of doors, or the weather's just too changeable for you to be able to make pleasant conversation about it, you will be stymied on all fronts.
This week is better spent in bed.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Don't look now, but you're about to experience happiness beyond your wildest dreams! Unless, of course, your wildest dreams involve cotton candy, a suitcase, three Swiss models, and bottle of champagne.
Then, of course, you'll be experiencing happiness fairly in line with your wildest dreams. And if so, you've ruined a perfectly serviceable expression.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
With some planet I couldn't quite make out in your first house of finance, expect some renegade Jehovah's witnesses over your house on Thursday, and expect them to be packin'! Good times, that is, as they barge in, set up shoppe, and proceed to explain to you the wonders of microeconomics!
Don't be surprised if you see results immediately, as their sure-fire plan for fiscal independence is really something!
Aries March 21 - April 19
This is the week you find perpetual happiness. Opposed to Cancer's horoscope, your happiness will be the lasting sort that carries you through life and fills your days with bliss.
If you're young and still want a chance to experience real suffering and hardship so you can tell more interesting stories than "Yeah, and I was just really happy. It was another happy day that day," you'd do best to turn it down.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Take notice of any discrepancies between your reality and your next door neighbour's this week, as it could mean your metaphysical reality is slipping slightly. Either that or it's your neighbour. But with Jupiter looming in your House of Inane Metaphysical Theories (a house which, when occupied, usually means a bit too much time down at the pub, not that we're to judge that sort of thing), you could get some quite inane ideas in your head about your toaster, television, and sink, causing no end of light-hearted hilarity that will dreadfully resemble nine out of ten sitcom plots.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Pickled horoscopes!? No, you would be so lucky. Instead, you will have one of those weeks when you think even the horoscope guy is picking on you and your previously friendly neighbourhood postman insists on pronouncing your name wrong all week.
And don't try playing up your despair and hopelessness to try and get sympathy and maybe a starring role in an hour-long television drama, because it really is one of those weeks, and even that old trick won't work.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
While you've been uniformly careful not to ever compare some line of questioning in the course of your life to the Spanish Inquisition... (moment of wary silence... ok) a roving band of dilettantes from the French Revolution's Reign of Terror come bouncing through the room, chop up a head of lettuce quite viciously while looking pointedly at you, and then run away, yelling and bouncing about "hee hee hee, Reign of Terror, ha ha!"
Apparently, this was in response to your comment on the "technology revolution..."
horoscope abruptly ended here, as roving band of French Revolution miscreants bounce through the room and violate a jam tart before chopping it's head off while looking threateningly at the horoscope writer.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week will find you finding a new use for thumbs, once you've mastered that ever so difficult "twiddling" of them, which has no nasty or illegal connotation, despite it's sound.
We won't tell you what the new use is, so as not to spoil the surprise, sexy.
[Horoscopes. for all the lovely girls. oh, ok, for all the lovely boys, too.]
