The Horoscopes
Where it all comes together. Or not.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Time is growing short for you on a whole lot of coupons you've had stored in your cupboard for weeks now, but had forgotten about.
Take advantage of them or you'll be left with a lot of useless coupons of what might have been.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be careful who you trust with your car keys this week.
For example, that little kid in the "Here comes trouble sweatshirt" may not be the best candidate.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Welcome back to the week, if you chose option 1 from last week.
This week you are going to have a wicked case of hamster head.
Oh yeah, and if you are going to get your hair done before the wedding, you should get in touch with your oldest son today.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
There is going to be a large stubborn streak running through your week.
You can either avoid it or languish in it. Depending on how much you enjoy that sort of thing.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Sorry, we had a small misprint last week.
Small people (ie. you) should not throw stones in glass houses. If you acted on our misprint last week you will spend the bulk of this week apologising. And cleaning up a lot of broken glass.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have a magical adventure in the mountains this week.
Honest.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You may have had someone short throwing stones around last week.
If you did, we apologise. This is one argument, I suppose, against teaching small people to read.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're not going to like this week, that's all I have to say.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Whatever new cologne and/or perfume it is you're wearing this week is not working for people around you, let me tell you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Noooooooooooooo horoscope for yoooooooooou.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will have an epiphany this week.
Now, don't get too excited. It's just about this laundry detergent you've been using.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you run out of peanut butter by Thursday this is not going to be a very good week for you.
Keep your toes up.
[Horoscopes. Sox stories... from the winter break.]