The Horoscopes
Go out and get 'em, boy!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Are you ready for a smackdown?
Are you ready for a smackdown!
Are you ready for a smackdown!
If the answer is no Saturn is willing to postpone it until next week, anyway.
Leo July 23 - August 22
No smackdown for you, but if you see a pile of blocks just left hanging around this week, feel free to do some smacking down of your own.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Limit yourself to a couple of cookies this week.
Now, when I say 'a couple', I don't mean that vague, few-to-many range. I mean couple as in two.
So pace yourself with the cookies this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you happen to live near a Virgo think about stopping by and asking if they have any spare cookies. I understand they're supposed to lay off this week.
Now, we don't normally encourage tips for excellent horoscopes, but you have to admit this is a pretty special horoscope this week. Potential free cookies, after all.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Great, you got over your aversion to getting your picture taken last week, congratulations!
You will be seeing the coolest person you could ever hope to see on Tuesday. Honest.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be seeing the coolest person you could ever hope to see on Tuesday. Honest. This is not the same person Capricorns will be seeing.
You may be asking yourself "how is that physically possible, two of the coolest people ever seen being two completely different people being seen by two completely different signs in the same week?"
Physics is complicated, is all I have to say, which you may not understand.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Listen to me, arson is not the answer to everything. Especially if you get on a game show where they ask you questions. If you keep answering arson you're probably going to wind up getting investigated by someone for that.
Try bocce this week as an outlet.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your butt will look pretty good in hotpants this week.
And corduroy.
Chiffon, however, will not be terribly flattering.
So dress accordingly.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be generous this week and you'll see it returned. Returned as in people will be generous back to you, not returned like people reject your generousity.
Sure, both ways aren't bad, but maybe you can take advantage of the returned generousity by asking for nice things, instead of just not having to part with anything.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope, and you have no sense of gravity this week.
Meaning you won't see the urgency and importance of things, not that you'll be floating out in space somewhere. Sorry.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Okay, now your gravity, the physics concept, will be missing this week.
Try and catch on to something, otherwise you're going to find yourself way the heck out by Neptune or something, and that's definitely a long distance call home.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You, like Capricorns and Cancers, are going to be seeing the coolest person you've ever met on Tuesday.
Remember to bring a camera.
[Horoscopes. The NHL (and its players) sucks. But, then again, the Bruins are still undefeated.]
