Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your shoe's on fire, your shoe's on fire!
Leo July 23 - August 22
If someone tells you you can't do something this week you're going to be spiteful, even if you don't intend to be, and do it anyway.
So be sure to wear those sunglasses you've got that look good on you when you're being spiteful.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
I would try and avoid asking any Leos to do anything this week.
It's going to be their "difficult" week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are a ninja this week.
Try wearing those ninja socks you bought in the 80s after you saw Karate Kid for the first time and have left stuffed in the closet ever since.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Seriously, what's your deal? Are you like that tribe somewhere that didn't like having their picture taken because they believed it took away a small part of your soul?
This week it comes to a head when you attempt to devour a person attempting to take your picture (yes, there will be a lot of attempting this week).
If you still don't have any teeth, or have lost all your teeth at this stage in your life, the attack will probably even go unnoticed, except for a slight stickiness on the arm of the attackee.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Stretchy pants will be your favourite thing about this week.
Not to say the rest won't be good... it's just that stretchy pants will be that good.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This is not the sort of week for dallying.
So if you're in the mood for dallying you'd better get a thesaurus or something.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Set fire to something this week.
But listen, make it small. Like someone's shoe. Or something.
[Note, we're not condoning setting things, including people's shoes, on fire. We're merely saying you'll feel like this. Okay, so maybe we didn't actually say that, but that's what we meant. A metaphor, if you will. So the lesson to be learnt is always read the disclaimer. And don't set things on fire.]
Libra September 23 - October 22
Love will surround you this week.
If you compare it to swimming, it'll be like swimming in a sea of love.
If you can't swim, maybe you should invest in some of those floatie armbands.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will have an existential crisis this week.
We'd love to help you out, but you have no horoscope. No horoscope, no existential advice.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your keyword this week will be "Whatever."
And yes, I suppose you could consider that existential advice.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Valentine's Day is at the tail end of this week.
Speaking of love, a couple horoscopes up.
Buy someone some stretchy pants. It's the ultimate show of affection. Believe me.
[Horoscopes. "Dear Sirs, I enclose my novel for your consideration. All of my seven neighbours think it is wonderful."]
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