Taurus April 20 - May 20
Smell that smell in the air?
It's the scent of progress!
You will be quite progressive this week. Or will get insurance from Progressive Auto Insurance. One of the two.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your slogan this week will be "Here comes trouble."
If you have a shirt with this motto on it, by all means wear it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have a very "Little House on the Prairie" sort of week.
If there's a hill nearby, be sure to run down it in slow motion.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You're going to regret something you do on Tuesday. But don't worry, it'll all be okay.
Especially if it's just that Monster Burrito down at Señor Chuck's you order without really considering the consequences.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
What's your problem, are you just not photogenic or something?
You have an uncle in California waiting to see more pictures of you.
If you can't take and send your own pictures, ask someone bigger than you to help.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will teach someone to bodysurf this week. Oh, wait, that was last week.
This week you have to promise the stars not to take that little impressionable young mentee horseback riding or cliff diving or anything.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You may be badgered by a very small person this week.
This could be the stars being politically correct, or it could just be a very small person badgering you this week.
I would give a small person candy if they were badgering me, but, then, that's just me.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Take this week to sort out your life.
Now, look, you're not going to get to the whole thing all at once. Take it easy. Start maybe with the metaphorical living room of your life, and then maybe tackle the kitchen, and hold off on sorting out the bathroom until next week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will be presented with a choice this week.
Choose the one on the left.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nothing new to report here. It's like you're an extended version of the Nation Hockey League CBA lockout.
And that seems like it's been going on forever.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Like a box of chocolates, your week will melt if you leave it out in the sun.
Store it in a cool, dark, dry room. Just not for too long, otherwise it'll develop a distinct mushroomy sort of smell.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
For your own good, you should be locked in a lead-lined room with a typewriter.
Preferably not an angry typewriter.
[Horoscopes. I can't make any sense out of this, but the logo's nice.]
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