Taurus April 20 - May 20
Thou shalt not steal. Especially this week.
Unless you're the President of a major country. In which case, you may do whatever you like, apparently.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Trouble's comin' for you.
However, it's not here yet, so have another hot dog this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You know what? That last horoscope reminds me. No, no, don't go check it out. You know that sort of cross-horoscope-checking is verboten. Just trust me on this one.
You're going to have one old fashioned sort of Hawt Dawg week!
A little like one you'd imagine Evel Knievel has all the time.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your self-belief has never been higher than this week.
If you're a Cartesian sort of philosopher you'll feel good about this, but fear the hangover-like effect you're going to experience next week when you take stock of why and how you got the self-belief you're going to have this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're learning to wiggle your toes and fingers this week, much to the delight of all those around you.
Trust me, they get tougher to please after this.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be way, way too good to someone this week.
And you've already gone and done it, so yes, I know what you're doing. It's like 1984. Only without the creepy television watching you from the corner of the room.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Okay, this is the week to simplify. Throw out the bathwater (mind the baby) and get out the scrubbers. Because less dirt = simpler! Or something. I sort of lost the analogy I was getting from the stars on this one.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Go out and do something for someone else this week.
Like buy them a pizza. And if they tell you they don't really like pepperoni you can tell them to shove it, because, damn it, a little kindness is supposed to go a long way, don't they know.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This week your love-rating (tm) is very high. Really high.
What this means, I don't know. It's some rating that's available only to paid members, and I really can't be arsed.
But it sounds good. Stock up on perfume and/or cologne.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Someone is going to start a really weird game of tag with you this week with dollar bills.
But then I shouldn't have told you that much, since you don't have a horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Oh My God, your hair's on fire, your hair's on fire!
And it will be. If only a small fire. I wish I could say I was being metaphorical, or trying to break bad news to you by saying, "Well, that's not too bad, then, is it? Not as bad as having your hair on fire, anyway!" But no. It will really be.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Try communicating with solely non-verbal signals this week as you should be wildly proficient at that this week.
People meeting you for the first time will be impressed with you as the strong silent type, which may be a first for you.
[Horoscopes. Has there a better time to be a New England sports fan (forgetting our Bruins and Celtics dynasties of years gone way past) than now?]
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