Taurus April 20 - May 20
Certain duties will demand your attention this week.
And if it's the mopping you'd better hustle on over and get to it, otherwise that mop just might be walking by week end. And you don't want something with that nasty collection of, well, mop-hair, walking around your nominally clean apartment.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will sign a lucrative deal with Reebok (tm) this week. Worth almost $130 million over three years.
Oh yeah, sorry, I should have specified: this only applies if you're a professional athlete Leo. Sorry about that.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you have a son, you will get back to him this week.
This is presuming the aforementioned son ever calls or gets in touch with you, as supposed by the "get back to him" clause above.
Be sure to check all available modes of communication: voicemail, email, mailbox, local UPS depot, smoke signals over the Berkshires, whatever.
If you don't have a son, or one to get back to, perhaps because the ungrateful bugger never calls or writes or anything, you are excused from horoscopal duty this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is a really good week for that sweater you bought last year but haven't had the either inclination or guts to wear thus far.
If it's the one we're thinking of, it will serve you well. And it will help you break out a rut.
Literally, if you put too much starch in the wash with it and wind up getting stuck in a rut later in the week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've just passed your first week on the planet, in the case of some young Capricorns. Now, I know what you're thinking: Yes, I think Capricorns should be entitled to as much candy corn as they like.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will radiate this week like a blossom in springtime.
Not in a harmful sort of nuclear kind of way, but in a nice, beautiful sort of way.
See if that radiance will get you a free cookie or anything at lunch during the week. Oh, and by the way, you will like cookies again this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you know a Capricorn you should give them as much candy corn as they like this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Someone's going to try and be very persuasive to you this week.
Resist! Resist, I say!
Unless you don't want to. In which case, go on ahead and don't resist. Who knows, maybe it's someone trying to be persuasive in giving you a million dollars (which is around 3 pounds sterling at the moment).
Libra September 23 - October 22
You are going to do something stupid this week.
Wildly stupid. The sort of stupid at which other people just stop and stare.
At least your craving for attention will be satisfied this week. Right?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
In honour of Descartes, this week, for you, isn't a void, it's a series of vortices.
Which will explain your severe case of dizziness.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You have no horoscope! Ha!
Oh, wait, sorry. Just got a little overzealous on the Scorpio's lack of a horoscope.
Your horoscope will actually be quite bland, though. Like a salt lick, without any salt.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
What's that sound!? Tha-thump, tha-thump.
Why, it's the sound of your very own mariachi band, for this week only!
Don't blow your one and only chance with your very own personal mariachi band!
[Horoscopes. Creme brulee on Titan? Sign me up!]
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