Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't sweat the little things this week.
We're not going to tell you they're all little things, because that would be out and out lying to you.
And though they're small in stature, if you don't feed them, pet ferrets can be considered larger things. Especially when one of them almost completely gnaws your foot off when you're sleeping on Thursday night.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're in for a no-frills sort of week.
On the upside, this will mean an inexpensive time for you. On the downside, you'll have a stewardess that looks like a gorilla following you around, trying to get you to buy a $30 sandwich (heck, it's only €2, but with the dollar collapsing like... well, like an Argentinean dollar, come to think of it, there you have it).
Virgo August 23 - September 22
With Mercury hanging out on the corner of your sign, smoking a cigarette, you're going to have a tough time getting motivated this week.
It's all that secondhand planet smoke, you see. Not good for the old motivation.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Three wise men, hopelessly lost, will visit your house this week.
"Not so wise now, are you?" you can feel free to crack at them.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Of all possible worlds that exist, according to certain quantum principles (which aren't actually, anyway, it's just you have this habit of referring to ontological thoughts as 'quantum', most of your friends think it's cute, don't worry), this one is going to just plain suck for you this week.
The best thing you can do is talk about things like quantum mechanics and the idea of some other you having a great time out there.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are going to have to do something about your digestion system this week, it's far too loud, and the neighbours are going to complain.
Don your Sunday best on Wednesday and shout it out to the world!
Actually, forget that, after Tuesday, nothing else is going to matter much. So Sunday best, Tuesday best, you're going to be doing just fine. Just fine.
And no, those are not tears in my eyes, okay?
Listen, you just sit there and look beautiful in your Tuesday best and I'll write the horoscopes.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This IS THE WEEK! Woohoo!
Vegas has it on 2-1 that this is your week.
So go on and cooperate, I could use a new pair of shoes, nevermind baby.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Teach yourself to fish this week.
This is more important than teaching anyone else how to fish, or giving them fish.
Especially if you've been having trouble sleeping lately. This'll help.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Everyone loves a Libra!
Especially if they're sort of sloppy drunk, and just hanging over everyone anyway.
Take advantage of people's favourable mood towards you and try to borrow some cash.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will have great adventures this week and... oh man, listen. You have no horoscope. That's just it. I can't fake it, it's not going to be good for either of us.
Let's just agree on that point, shall we?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Kick it old school this week.
This is partly due to a retrograde Moon in your sign, and partly due to the fact that I haven't used that phrase in, well, if not ever, then a long time. Too long, some might say.
This is my gift to you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will hear the sound of a lot of tiny horses galloping Tuesday morning.
I'm just guessing here, but it'll be one of the best sounds you'll ever hear.
Unless the tiny horses turn out to be big horses, and you find yourself stuck in the middle of a horse stampede on a Tuesday morning. That might not be pleasant.
[Horoscopes. And where is your city's literacy at? Also, don't forget to donate some money for the tsnuami victims. You know you have $50 or so to spare. Just forgo a trip to the iTunes Music Store, don't buy a few albums and you've got it.]
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