Taurus April 20 - May 20
Here we go.
Don't worry about Monday and Tuesday.
Spill some wine on the ground as an offering to the gods. If you don't believe in any gods, or the ones you do don't approve of that sort of thing, just pretend you were a little tipsy or something.
Leo July 23 - August 22
When Fate comes a-knockin' this week, pick up the phone and give it your all!
Your week will be full of mixed metaphors and incomprehensible sentences. We're just giving you a taster.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Add one more thing that's certain in life: the post-Christmas shopping rush.
This week it will seem as if you live to shop.
But don't worry about stepping outside those shops: it turns out all you need is oxygen, water, a bit of food, and shelter to live. And maybe a Gap or two.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
All right, so we missed a couple days.
Get on your high horse this week and giddy up!
This will be a good week for getting things done, and if you got a high horse for Christmas what better way to get around than by horseback?
Nothing says "look at me, I'm up on this huge horse!" like riding around on a horse.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you are afraid of heights, would you climb up on a little ledge, storeys above the ground?
No.
So don't go climbing any ledges this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You may find yourself, by Thursday, surrounded by books, unable to move or escape, otherwise, from this mound of books upon books.
Don't panic, no reason to panic. So long as you can tunnel a little hole in it to let people pass food in you'll be okay. And so long as you don't read too many of the books you'll be okay.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Something HUGE will happen this week! Woohoo!
I'm woohooing for you because you may not be in a woohooing mood just this week.
Next week, though, you'll probably thank me.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Enjoy this week.
While you should try and enjoy most weeks, this week you'd really better.
Consider it an order.
You never know when you're going to have a really, really bad week.
And it's against our code of ethics according to the International Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Good Times to let you know in advance, if, say, next week is going to be really, really unpleasant. Unless we were a monthly horoscope, which we aren't. Then we could tell you if next week was going to make you really miss this almost blissful by comparison week. Hypothetically.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't be an embarrassment at the New Years party like you were last year.
While the diaper and baby cap probably seemed like a good idea at the time, they're best for, you know, babies.
Unless you want to be treated like a baby, of course. Then, by all means, go on and wear it, get a few cheap laughs, I suppose.
But just know that by "be[ing] treated like a baby" means being dropped in a cage out of which you can't get and being talked down to constantly.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope. Not even a half a one, which is what most people got this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Oh man, this is unfortunate.
Well, we're late off vacation this week, later than we'd expected. And you're probably off on vacation yourself this week.
Which means you won't read this until next week, if at all.
Oh well. Here goes anyway:
Whatever you do, don't have that peanut butter you're offered on Friday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Send out invitations this week.
If you have nothing to invite people to, send them out for other people's events. Just so long as you satisfy the stars.
Oh, and you may need to pass food through to someone stuck in the bedroom behind a little fortress of books. They should have dug a little tunnel for you. If not, consider them doing a-okay.
[Horoscopes. Sometimes it's time to think of other people...]
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