Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is your one and only chance to make something of your life!
This week, right here!
Or, then again, you'll probably get the same chance next week, and, seeing as how most people are going to be away for the holidays and all that, you might as well just chill out this week. Open a bottle of champagne. That, in a lot of circles, is making a hell of a lot of your life.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will embark on a journey this week.
If you are not actually physically traveling anywhere, we meant, of course, a metaphysical journey.
So carry a toothbrush at all times.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will embark on a journey this week.
If you are not actually physically traveling anywhere, we meant, of course, a metaphysical journey.
So carry a toothbrush at all times.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Forget that malarkey about modernising your life last week.
You have traditional values, and people like that.
So stick with it. And for heaven's sake get rid of that camera phone.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Return the shirt you got last week on our advice.
This will teach you that the hard-won things are most appreciated in life.
Sorry, your mom has more influence than the stars, and kept ringing, asking us to make you return the shirt, so you can buy your little sister a present for Christmas.
You should have bought for others, then yourself.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Try not to get hurt by anyone making pumpkin soup this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
So... this is the week!
Or not.
Something big will happen this week!
Unless it doesn't, and you have to wait a week. What I like to do, when I'm waiting, is read a book or something.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't trust someone who will tell you that 6 month old mayonnaise is okay to eat.
And stop picking your scabs. Sorry, I meant to tell you last week. It's disgusting, and it's preventing you from meeting people.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Assert yourself.
Just get right on out there and assert, baby.
Just don't do it in that tshirt you plan on wearing on Tuesday. Not a good asserting tshirt.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Just sit tight. You may have one horoscope left that we just never got around to digging out of the horoscope bag.
But not this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Try putting that inner child you found last week to work.
They shouldn't ask for much, and children can get inside very small spaces, like mechanical looms, should your mechanical loom break.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Make pumpkin soup this week.
And try not to hurt anyone in the process.
[Horoscopes. The Irish Search Engine...]
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