Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't stare directly at the sunny side of life this week, you'll go blind.
Try and get one of those viewers where you stand there, holding up a gigantic cardboard box with a hole cut in it. That'll make you look stylish and not blind.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Work out your problems with your neighbour, it will be worth the time and effort.
Especially if you keep meticulous records and bill him for all the time you spent working out the problems. Guitar-shaped swimming pool, here you come!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A small problem could turn into a huge problem if you don't get better cement.
Unless you're a Dutch boy, and just plan on using your thumb.
And we're guessing, based on our numbers, that most of you aren't Dutch boys.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Go on, modernise your life!
I don't know what this means. Maybe we'd better sit down and draw up plans for it, make a few action points, discuss strategies. How about Thursday?
See? We're modernising already!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You know that shirt you've been wanting to get?
Get it.
There, now you won't feel so bad when you exit the mall five hours later with nothing but that shirt... no gifts for anyone at all.
It's okay because it's in your horoscope.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be feeling better this week.
Better than what, we don't know.
You've got a mean competitive streak in you, though, so we're sure it'll be better than quite a lot of things.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
So, anything new?
Oh, right, sorry, that's our job.
The answer to that question, then, is "no".
Give it a week... or two.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Whenever you think you might start bellyaching this week (and you're going to, oh let me tell you are you ever going to), think of the children!
If not yours (or if you don't have any), think of the neighbours' kids!
If the kids are the source of your bellyaching, you might want to think of waterfalls and peaceful gardens or something, instead.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Hey! You've got to hide your love away!
We've got a Container Store near us and those guys have containers for everything. It's stunning. This isn't a plug or anything, it just got me thinking that they probably have handy containers for things like love now, too.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will meet a celebrity this week.
If your celebrity doesn't arrive by Wednesday please call your nearest Zodiac Centre and we will rush a celebrity to your door.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It may or may not be your birthday this week.
I know, I know, not a particularly fancy bit of horoscoping, I know.
Discover your inner child this week.
When you do, watch how much they squirm when you try and plant a flag in them, go on, do it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will get a surprising lack of sleep this week.
Because you won't get much sleep, the surprise might not seem to surprising to people outside, observing.
You might want to clear off all those people observing, by the bye, you get cranky when you don't get enough sleep and people are watching you.
If you are a polar bear, spend the week in your little man-made cave.
[Horoscopes. Oh man, Pedro... I told you I'd buy you a puppy.]
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