Taurus April 20 - May 20
Spend a good portion of this week drunk.
On anything. If root beer does you in, by all means, go to it!
Leo July 23 - August 22
Buck up, there will be hockey again someday. Just tough luck if you live in Worcester, where your team will be bolting for some godforsaken place hopefully just about the time the Bruins start playing again.
But, then, you may be too young to understand all this.
Eat a banana this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Protein is the doctor's RX for you this week!
Seeing as how our doctor's handwriting is so bad, though, I would eat protein only in moderation, as it could be any number of things besides protein he'd written down.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You have a secret this week.
We all have secrets, some might say.
But you have a real one this week.
It involves cake.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This week will foreshadow the events of next year and postshadow the events of this year.
So, in a sense, your "Look Back At 2004" that traditionally takes place at the end of December will start taking place early this week.
Unfortunately all your top ten hits are by Britney Spears, which is disconcerting, if not worse.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will get incredibly, wildly good news this week.
And you'll get pie! So it's like two really great things in one!
The wildly good news isn't, so far as I can tell, related to the pies, but if they've got raspberry rhubarb filling that just might be it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will have the most deep seated urge to reply to your brother's emails.
Also, pie will bug you for some reason this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You wish pie would bug you this week, as you're kidnapped by Barbary Coast pirates and shoved in the brig!
There is not a pie in sight and it looks like those men wandering past the bars are sizing you up for sale.
This might be one of those weeks where you really just feel like sleeping all the time, instead of facing up to reality.
This may be a good idea, because who wants a sleepy slave?
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will be feeling very anthropomorphic this week.
Which bodes well for interacting with other people this week.
The toaster, however, will regard you with what you assume is suspicion.
It does make you wonder why you can't seem to remember the tail end of last week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Would you care for a peanut?
Because they're not too difficult to care for... just love and affection is all they need, really.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You know what? That thing from last week, that was supposed to make sense later in the week?
It didn't! How weird is that?
Knit a sweater this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be the bearer of Good News this week.
This Jehovah's Witness that lives down the road from you will have to call in sick this week and call in that huge favour you owed him after he saved your butt in Parcheesi a few months ago.
Hey, don't look at me, you knew this debt was gonna come a-callin' someday.
[Horoscopes. Sportsmen of the Year!]
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