Taurus April 20 - May 20
Bear invasion! Get down people, get down, you know the drill!
Wait, what do you mean, you don't know the drill?
We've surely been over this a couple hundred times... if we only had a search feature on the horoscopes...
Arrrrrgggggllh!
Leo July 23 - August 22
Oh, man, that Taurus standing next to you took a major hit from that runaway bear, rambling through...
And you know what that usually means, don't you?
What do you mean, you don't know?
Bear invasions aren't run with the precision of tweezers, they're bears, for crying out loud!
Hide under a table this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Bear invasion! Not beer invasion, which I almost typed in the rush, just now.
So if you were getting that big old German beer stein off the bookshelf you can forget about it, unless it's got, like, honey or something in it, and I doubt it does. And if it does, I doubt these invaded bears can be bought off with honey in a beer stein.
Don't try hiding under tables this week, you'll find most under-table space is occupied by Leos this week.
Just run, baby, run.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
What was all that "Arrrrrgggggllh" from the Taurus about, anyway?
What sort of noise is that for a person to make?
Oh, right, bears.
Run! Join the Virgos. If you're the type of person that can run and talk at the same time you'll have conversation partners, at least.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Put away that red cape, man, bears don't respond to red capes the way bulls do, you know.
Either join the crowd running, or climb a tree, which is what I'd opt for, not being the running type.
This may be where your parents not allowing you to climb proper trees as a child may hurt you, as that dinky little bush you're trying to clamber on top of gets eaten by a bear on Wednesday, whether you're on it or not.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This is great! Extra running practice, from the invading bears!
You might stop to wonder where they're all invading from, but then you wouldn't be playing along with the spirit of the horoscopes, would you?
Oh, all right. Yosemite. There's a lot of construction or something going on, and they're all invading from there.
Happy?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You don't live anywhere near Yosemite, so you're safe. Have a margarita this week.
Or an orange juice.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A bear's got your nose this week!
"What's with the sudden focus on bears?" you might ask, only it sounds like this "Wad's wid da sudden focus on baids?" because one's got your nose.
Ask Saturn, I say.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Like soup, you, too, are useful in more situations than when people are just sick.
It won't seem like it this week, but you could always meekly offer that up, should you feel yourself being abused.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
At this point, I almost wish I could offer you a horoscope, but how's about a mint, instead?
Oh, do you know what? Actually, I'm out of mints.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Buck up, Charlie, it's not always blood and roses!
This saying will make sense later in the week.
In the meantime, here's something: nine out of ten Sagittarii, when questioned by the census takers last year, responded "yes."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A Mexican hat will come into your life this week.
If you are Mexican, this may not come as such a great surprise.
Any which way, you should clear enough space on your shelves for a medium-sized sombrero.
[Horoscopes. Crazy Apple Rumors at the opening of the Apple Store in London.]
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