Taurus April 20 - May 20
Not this week, no you don't.
You are not sneaking off without doing your chores yet again this week!
Get your butt back inside and clean that kitchen floor! You don't live in the Jetson's world, you know, the floors won't clean themselves.
Leo July 23 - August 22
So you've had your first snow storm (we'll call it a dusting). What are you waiting for? Strap on that snowboard and get shredding!
Or at least very least engage in some sort of other winter-time activity (like chucking snow up in the air at Gillette Stadium when the Patriots win).
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You have a mission this week.
Your town is under siege. You must neutralize the threat and thwart the siege.
[Terms left purposefully vague in case your idea of neutralizing a threat is to just ignore it and read the paper or something. We aim to please.]
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are a star. The starriest of all star signs. You almost deserve your very own Zodiac this week, all to yourself.
That's how much people are going to appreciate you this week.
If anyone else from another sign is reading this (here's a hint, keep your eyes on your own horoscope!), you invariably have to lose, because Gemini wins the newly minted and highly coveted Best Sign of the Week Award (tm)! Congratulations to Gemini!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try to cut down on the number of smelly socks you produce this week, they're really hampering your quest for happiness.
If this means going barefoot, by all means, do. Just to prevent you from going with that one all disappointed into next week, you should apply liberal amounts of deodorant to those bare feet, should you go that route.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are going to do a lot of running this week.
Running of your own company, that is!
Oh, wait, no, I read that wrong. Literal running.
As in with the shoes and knees and all that good stuff.
Good luck.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars can still see you, you know, even if you hide like that.
Where's your passport?
Get out from under the couch, go down to your local place to get your passport, and Get. It. Sorted.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Kicking back at life is unproductive, and it makes you look stupid if you try it in public.
Don't be crazy guy (non-gender-specific, of course) kicking and punching at the air in midtown traffic on Tuesday.
Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice on Thursday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Listen to me. Listen. Hey, over here. Here, okay?
Good.
Don't let a good thing go this week.
Oh, whoops. I probably shouldn't have taken so long. It just got away.
Second point for the week: chase down a good thing if it's in the process of getting away.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Noooooooo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooooo-ro-SCOPE!
This slightly festive non-horoscope brought to you by the month and a half still preceding Christmas.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Life will hand you a rutabaga this week.
Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to make lemonade, or rutabaga-ade, out of it.
Life, apparently, only wants you to hang on to it, and it'll be back for it next week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The Boston Red Sox are the 2004 World Series Champions.
You will have a very, very good week, indeed.
[Horoscopes. Atlantis, found! Again!]
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