Taurus April 20 - May 20
You have one chance in life to get it right, so take your time, take it easy.
That said, don't take all day on Wednesday, or someone's going to end your turn prematurely.
It's a rough old world out there.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't take anything for granted this week, least of all gift horses.
Of course, I've found, by experience, that it's not all that easy to take a gift horse for granted, let alone figure out where to put one, should you receive one.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This will be your most alliterative week ever!
Watch out for exploding eggplants.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
For all your scouting work you should get a badge, reading "Agent on the Ground."
This may also mean you've just been knocked down a lot this week.
One of the two, perhaps both, this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Flossing is important this week.
This is contrary to your dentist's advice, which is that flossing should be important every week.
Who're you gonna trust, some guy in a white smock or the stars?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
The stars have this grave warning for you: if you wish for an extreme makeover you may well get your wish.
Only by extreme your makeover may be performed by a bunch of plastic surgeons while riding motorcycles and being attended by "nurse" monkeys, who will sit on their shoulders and hand them their instruments.
Besides, you're beautiful, why the heck would you need a makeover?
Bake more brownies.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
What's going on?
Didn't the stars say to get your passport last week?
Well, what are you waiting for? Christmas?
Well don't. When the stars say to do something, they mean for you to do it now.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Life will deliver you a swift kick to the guts this week.
Look at it this way, you won't feel like eating, any way, which'll make that diet easier.
Libra September 23 - October 22
When someone tells you you're getting a little too close for comfort it means get off their damn shoes, already.
Sometimes you're just a little bit thick.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope, so we won't pass any judgement on whether or not you're thick.
Lucky you!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week you will find yourself on the personal life merry-go-round.
I don't know what this is, but I wouldn't eat anything too soon before going on it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Stop and smell the daffodils this week.
It's sort of an idea along the idea of crop rotation, only with flower sniffing; the roses are worn out.
[Horoscopes. Red Sox Nation, literally.]
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