Taurus April 20 - May 20
What would you do if someone offered you a million dollars to beat up your best friend?
Oh, this won't happen this week, we're just curious, in case we happen to come across a million dollars... we're wondering what people might do for it. And your sign is first in the survey, as usual.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Someone will steal your nose this week.
Make them give it back by wailing a lot.
Usually does the trick.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
That thing you were planning for Wednesday?
Hold off on it.
Do it on Friday instead.
You'll thank us later.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your cheery demeanour this week may piss off those closest to you.
Try and pretend to be sad or something.
Here's an idea, start on a Neal Stephenson novel, knowing full well that so many hours into it you know he's going to fail to end it properly.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't beat up on yourself this week.
Save yourself for next week.
Have a margarita, instead, this week. And then next week that can come up as a talking point amongst yourself.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will look cutest on Friday, with varying (though still high) levels of cuteness throughout the week.
Do not attempt to car dance, if it's your first time, while driving any convertible-like vehicle. This isn't a this-week-only sort of thing, it's probably a general rule to live by.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will kick things in motion to get yourself a passport, or other form of photo identification, if you have a passport already, this week.
These things come in handy, because it's a way of externalizing how you feel about yourself, seeing a picture there and all.
Plus when people start going on about comparing who's photo is ugliest in their passport you'll be right up there with 'em!
Aries March 21 - April 19
Someone very near and dear to you is going to ask you for help this week, and I'm afraid you're going to have to stomp on their fingers.
If they don't cooperate by putting their fingers somewhere within easy stomping distance, well, this is why you should have been taking yoga classes.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Fill the week with flowers.
I don't know what this means. Possibly that you need to drive away your allergy-ridden friends this week. I don't know, I'm just the messenger.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Try and avoid bright lights this week.
Oh, and you have no horoscope, so it doesn't matter whether or not you do.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are on the money escalator this week, with Mercury sinking in Venus like a hot spoon through butter ice cream.
If your money has coattails make sure they're clear of the edge, otherwise you're in for a messy week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week is going to be a lot like fudge ice cream.
Which means a win win win situation for you!
Unless you don't like fudge ice cream. In which case we don't believe you exist, anyway.
[Horoscopes. BookNinja! For those of us who still read. Which might include you. As you're reading this. Pointer to an interview of Richard K Morgan off here... a writer worth reading.]
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