Taurus April 20 - May 20
Turn around, like that old song by Bonnie Tyler goes.
Because there may be a bear behind you.
Don't turn around too much, or you'll get dizzy. This week and all weeks, so far as we're concerned.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Wear your new lucky piece of clothing this week.
This counts doubly so if your lucky piece of clothing is a pair of pants and you haven't got any other pants.
You shall probably be traveling this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're a-leavin', on a jet plane, don't know, when you'll be back again!
You are leaving wherever you went to last week this week. Like now. Get a move on.
Planes wait for no man or woman.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You're a-leavin', on a jet plane, don't know, when you'll be back again!
You are leaving wherever you went to last week this week. Like now. Get a move on.
Planes wait for no man or woman.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This horoscope is like a poem.
Well, maybe not.
Don't look up this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have your life back after this week.
Don't ask me where it's gotten to, but you'll notice it smells a little bit of beer and it seems to have a lot more Red Sox apparel than it did when it disappeared.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You may or may not have had a crazy person screaming and swearing in your ear (either directly in or via the magic of the "telephone").
Which may explain why you never call, you never write... and you're fat! Okay, well, maybe not. But still, stars have feeling, too.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stay at home this week, and stay very, very calm.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't leave any room angry this week.
If this means you need to buy one of those portable, inflatable rooms and carry it around with you all week so you can get by on a technicality, so be it.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
That previous horoscope would have been for you, had you not not had a horoscope.
Life sucks sometimes.
At least you're not carrying around a portable room this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are like a French Poodle in the grand scheme of things.
Funny haircut optional.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week marks the first week of you not swearing any more.
I'm just warning you.
Saturn says hi.
Oh, and you'll be driving to Oakland on Monday evening. If you live east of, say, the Mississippi you'd better get moving.
[Horoscopes. Just keep your eye on the dirt dogs this week.]
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