Taurus April 20 - May 20
You have no idea what kind of horoscope you had before the Red Sox won... way to go, Red Sox!
So, ehm, sit tight. And wait. Quietly.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will go west this week, young man.
If you are less than a year old you will not go west, as you're too young for that sort of thing.
If you've got a small Leo, keep and eye on him... they're devious.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You, too, will go west.
Make sure you stop before you hit that big thing of really, really cold water.
Bring a sweater and a pair of sunglasses.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will pray for the Red Sox this week.
This is not a prediction, this is an order.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do not lick steel flag poles.
It's probably not cold enough to freeze your tongue, but that's just unhygienic.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have to practise your bocce more this week.
And your praying, keep up your praying.
If David Ortiz is a Cancer, keep smackin' the crap out of the ball.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are still reigning bocce champions.
Go figure.
"Bubblewrap."
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stop and smell the roses. Like right now.
Unless you're driving. Try and pull to the side first.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Something smells, and it's not just the Aries just sniffin'.
Maybe you should wash your socks this week.
Unless they're your lucky socks, in which case, DO NOT WASH THE SOCKS.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You don't have a horoscope. Did you know that?
Just checkin'.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you can swim, this is a good week to show off your skills. Or skillz, as the kids say.
If the kids look at you funny, you might want to turn your baseball cap around the right way.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be visited by four, umm, ghosts this week...
They will bring lipbalm and, hopefully, candy. Lots and lots of candy.
If they don't, it may, once again, prove the theorem that you can only count on yourself for candy.
[Horoscopes. Mahowboy up!]
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