Taurus April 20 - May 20
Shake your booty like it's 1992!
Make sure people know it's Columbus Day Week by partying down like a crazy person.
You may want to stay home from work in celebration of this magical week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've got very red hair this week.
Way to go!
Better red hair than a red face, I always say, when questioned about whether I'd rather have red hair or a red face.
Have as much peanut butter as you can this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
What's behind door number three will make your week complete.
What's behind door number two will mean the Red Sox have to wait until next week to finish off the Spankees.
We recommend going for door number three. Just for kicks.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Try out a new catch-phrase this week.
New for you, that is, it doesn't have to be completely new to the planet.
I hope that makes it a little easier for you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do not take up any one on their offer of a lift this week.
Especially if it's preceded by the word 'fork.'
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Okay, so you will be looking around on a beach, and you will find a small but incredibly shiny rock.
And by rock, yeah, we mean that kind of rock.
This time.
[All right, so this was sort of last week, but you know how tough it is to schedule these things sometime. This week you'll get to carry around the aforementioned rock and show it off. To your sister. Who will be visiting you. I predict. On, umm.... Friday.]
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will respond to your brother's emails this week... wooooo-oooooooo.
And you should have a nice cool lemonade and take it easy this week, otherwise.
Aries March 21 - April 19
If you exposed your fatal flaw last week you could quite possibly not be reading this.
If you are, your fatal flaw this week is cantaloupes.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will meet someone with your exact same thoughts and desires this week.
You may wish to call your friends early in the week to have them intervene and pry you away from the mirror by late Thursday.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You ain't got no 'oro-scope, you ain't got no 'oro-scope... still.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Still no spacecraft drivin' for you this week.
Do not pet the large animals you see strolling the downtown areas during the latter half of the week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're gonna party like it's 1986 (before the bad parts, of course) this week!
Why not us?
[Horoscopes. You, too, can own a picture of what a fish from the Dominican Republic would look like with a bucket over its head.]
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