Taurus April 20 - May 20
Little known fact about horoscopes: more often than not your horoscope starts life each week as the following letters: klsjdkl.
Interesting? Probably not.
The truth? Yeah.
Make what you will from that correlation.
Leo July 23 - August 22
One big thing to remember this week, put on pants before leaving the house.
If you're not old enough to do it yourself, please have someone else tend to it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Focus your energies this week.
You'll find that, by Thursday, you can burn ants to a crisp with it!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Tomorrow is another day. And next week is another week.
It's lucky you don't get the recycled days and weeks, but man, don't you ever think you might be saving the planet if you did?
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Make like a pineapple and stick around this week.
Show your staying power by not questioning dodgy similes.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Thank you for the wine.
All signs could take a few tips from you as far as how to treat the horoscope writer goes.
You will get a bear hug on Friday. And then again on Saturday. No ribs will be broken.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your lucky streak (thanks to the Munchkin delivery) continues!
You will receive a letter from the government saying you don't have to pay any taxes this year, thanks to a typo in a George Bush memo to the IRS!
(If you don't live in the United States, sure, this is strange, but stranger things have probably happened.)
Aries March 21 - April 19
Puppets can take almost any example and bring it home to a young child.
Do not assume the same point can be brought home the same way to children and, say, your landlord.
That would be a fatal flaw in your week, if you do.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Speaking of fatal flaws, your week will be missing a Friday.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Whew, that glass of wine from the Cancerian horoscope really went to my head... can't even think of a horoscope for you... oh, wait. You don't have one.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will try and convince your local government representative that a giant asteroid is going to hit the Earth in approximately one week!
They still will not let you drive the nuclear-powered spacecraft.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be taking the week off work and spending it in the Connecticut Yankee.
It's like 1986, only not.
[Horoscopes. Sox win! Sox win!]
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