Taurus April 20 - May 20
Oh man. I'm so sorry for what's about to happen on Tuesday.
So, so sorry.
Can I have your Playstation?
Leo July 23 - August 22
Buck up, little one.
You won't always be one foot tall, give or take.
Unless you started drinking coffee way too early. In which case, that might be it.
But you can still stand tall.
You may need a ladder, though, so stick close to home. Or, alternatively, somewhere with a ladder.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Travel is still in your future. Which means you're either traveling a lot or you just haven't traveled yet.
So keep that travel bag handy.
And remember to pack your toothbrush.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
There is no incredibly long half-way round the world trip in your near future.
It's like that saying about the mountain going to Mohammed.
Only, umm, your view won't be obstructed when whatever you would have gone to see arrives. Like it would be if a great big bloody mountain suddenly plunked down in your back garden.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't ask me how, but you managed to escape from the bear that had fallen asleep on your legs last week.
We're more interested in the future.
You seem to have no legs, at all, this week. Which is a decided step down from just not being able to feel them last week. Which, again, is in the past. So we don't care about that, really.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You picked Yosemite! And you didn't.
It's like picking your cake and eating it, too, which you better have, if you'd been picking at it. No one else is going to want your half-picked over cake.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You win the lottery and star in a new hit TV show!
See? You bring us Munchkins, we reward you.
And when you arrive home on Wednesday there will be fresh muffins, just sitting there in the kitchen.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Wash your pants this week.
I meant to say something a few weeks ago, and it's just gotten out of hand now.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will clinch the National League Wild Card later this week.
Way to go.
One against 9 doesn't seem quite fair, but if you count all of you Libras it's more like a couple billion against 9. So don't sweat it.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sing this bit to the tune of Blue Bayou, the Linda Ronstadt version, not the Roy Orbison version:
I have no horoscope, no, no, no, no horo-scope. Still.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Man did your celestial cookie crumble last week.
In fact, you've still got bits in your hair this week.
You might want to focus on that this week, because otherwise you're gonna have rats infesting your hair.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Ditch your attitude this week.
We're sick of it, frankly, and will not be tolerating it any longer.
This means no tea and biscuits for you.
[Horoscopes. Concentrated monkey? Sounds like something out of Get Fuzzy.]
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