Taurus April 20 - May 20
Have a cup of tea this week.
Carry it around with you.
If someone asks you about anything, really, look thoughtfully at the cup in your hand and say, "Well, this is my cup of tea."
It'll go down well, trust me.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your hair will really start growing in this week.
That is to say it'll start filling out, not growing inwardly.
Because I'd imagine that would hurt.
Practice your rocking skills this week. Next week is toe-tugging week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Curiousity only does half the job this week.
So if you have any cats you needed killing, well, you've got to do a lot of the dirty work yourself this week.
Luckily this may or not even have to occur in your own house.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Try dusting those hard to reach corners of the house this week.
If you find a chocolate bar in any of those corners, well, it's mine. And I would appreciate it if you returned it.
Thanks.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
This horoscope brought to you by Richard Scarry.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be happy as a pig in muck this week.
Now, if you don't feel as happy as you might think a pig in muck feels maybe you don't have the appropriate pig-empathy and were just expecting pigs to be fully satisfied by sitting around in muck all day.
Now, if you were happy as a pig in muck with a view of the farmer's television, well then it'd be a different story.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are a stranger in a strange land this week. And you brought Munchkins, woohoo!
Okay, so maybe you're not a stranger. And maybe it's not a stran... well, okay, it is a strange land.
For the Munchkins, you will have the best weeks of your life over the next five weeks.
It's our way of saying thanks.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Take the green pill.
I think it might actually just be an M&M.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Try not to rain on anyone's else parade this week.
Throwing pennies off the Empire State Building counts, as well.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You should just stand very still, and not do anything, for fear of losing anything else this week.
Good. There you go.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your hair, like it or not, will be funky this week.
James Brown kind of funky, not funky like it has stuff growing in it.
Either invest in a hat or embrace the funk.
Funnily enough, this advice will also apply next week. But for different reasons, which we'll get into then.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Hey, I have an idea, let's try the Blinking Game!
What you do is you don't blink for the entire week... and at the end, we see how well you did!
(You may want to have some sort of eyedropper on hand for next week.)
[Horoscopes. Grab Tanya Donelly's newest album...]
|
