Turn back before you hit the sign that says "Warning Icy Bridge."
This will make your life a whole lot more liveable this week.
Trust me.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're probably still growing at an alarming rate (or know someone who is).
It's okay to be alarmed. That's why they call it an alarming rate.
Have a piece of toast, if you feel up to it, later in the week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The Red Sox will not be jinxed by this week's Sports Illustrated cover.
If you don't know how this affects you you're obviously seriously lacking in some part of your life.
If you do know how it affects you you probably will spend the week (and indeed the next two months) adorned in all sorts of Red Sox clothing.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
People in America have let it be known that they're still waiting for those sodabreads to be sent out.
And this is the last message we're passing on for them, use the phone, in the future.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Take 'No' for an answer this week.
For almost any question you ask, in fact. Even if you're just trying to find out the state capital for Idaho.
You should also accept Visa and Mastercard, just in case.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will see the Red Sox play the Oakland A's on Wednesday night.
The attendance of all the Cancerians in the world will significantly boost Oakland's attendance figures for the year.
And will still only half-fill the Oakland Coliseum.
You will be sitting by one very bemused-looking Cancerian from Andorra, who hasn't the faintest idea what baseball is all about, and just showed up because the stars left the ticket to Oakland International Airport and a couple of tickets to Wednesday night's game lying on his doorstep.
You'll need to explain to him how to sing Tessie (
) and explain to him how Pedro is one of the most dominating pitchers in the game.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be leavin' on a jetplane, as the old song goes.
One thing you want to remember is to pack lots of Munchkins from Dunkin' Donuts, because you never know, they may not have them where you're going.
Other than that, your week will be very good.
Not to say that the flight and getting to your destination won't be good. Don't read anything into that. Honest.
So.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your week, in contrast to Pisces's week, will suck.
Not that you should be reading other signs' horoscopes, anyway.
But just to let you know, it's not going to be good for you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
"Don't look back in anger," a song once said.
This is probably best heeded when you're driving, as you should always try and keep your eyes forward, and to the side, if you're changing lanes.
Trying looking into the rearview mirror in anger, if you must.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The International House of... the International Board of Horoscopal Integrity and All Things Cheesy have been round to collect your goldfish, which we enquired after last week, due to your infringement upon having a horoscope.
We have also been fined, and have learned our lesson.
You have no horoscope again this week. Exciting, non?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The wages of sin can't buy you much.
Sure, that's a bit harsh, to be talking about Starbucks like that, but some people can't drink too much caffeine because it'll throw off their delicate chemical balance.
A bit like throwing monkeys at a tightrope walker.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You should never, ever throw monkeys at a tightrope walker.
1) It's not nice to the monkeys.
2) It will piss them off no end, and what monkey goes up must come down, and will come after your sorry butt when it does finally come down.
Other than that all systems go this week!
[Horoscopes. A Yanks-Sox series! Part One & Part Two. Shame about the ending.]