Taurus April 20 - May 20
We're slightly jet-lagged this week (yes, they took the horoscope writer with them, on their excursion, it's not uncommon, I think you'll find), so your horoscope is looking mildly fuzzy.
With spots of tiredness throughout the week.
Wear an umbrella and wellies, just in case.
Leo July 23 - August 22
So you're one month old now, probably. Or thereabouts.
If you've got a favourite aunt, I have to warn you, you little tyke, she may be crazy.
Not to spread salacious rumours about people, I'm just throwing the possibility out there.
If you are not one month old this will be a good week to golf.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Don't do anything drastic this week.
Like preparing to run 5 mile races up massive hills. (See? Give this to anyone who's trying to force you to run one.)
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Thanks for all the tea.
You may have neighbours. Well, in the next year or so.
With Mercury entering Gemini in the next little while it would behoove you to make a few sodabreads and send them off to people you know in America.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Play a little ditty to keep the kids interested this week.
Try and not do anything too depressing.
Something by a boyband would be nice. Unless you've only either got spoons or an accordian on which you'll be playing this air, in which case, you might want to consider just singing a bit.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will sleep a lot this week.
And leave work early.
And win seven million euro in the lottery, despite not having bought a ticket.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be faced with tough questions this week.
And you will have to give tough answers.
And no, you can't have them ahead of time, that's what we call "cheating."
Aries March 21 - April 19
This is your week of the warmed-over-in-the-microwave-pizza.
You will feel mostly soggy with an underpinning of cardboard propping you up.
Libra September 23 - October 22
People would not like to see you when you're angry.
What I do is put a blanket over my head and grr a lot, just people get why you're wearing the blanket over your head.
Otherwise they might just think you're some nut, wearing a blanket over your head.
And that sort of thing always makes me more angry.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
How's that goldfish working out?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Life is like a magazine full of those things they put in so you can subscribe to more copies of the magazine.
If you're not careful it will end up all over the floor and in between the couch cushions.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This will be another one of those active weeks for you.
Thus thwarting your attempts to be like a bear and hibernate for the winter.
If people point out that it's not the winter (unless you live in, like, New Zealand or Australia or something) just growl at them and make bear-like attacking noises at them.
[Horoscopes. Speaking of medals...]
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