Taurus April 20 - May 20
Walk a long distance with someone this week.
At the end, you can compare blisters, which is always a nice bonding exercise.
And then reason enough never to see that person or their hideous feet ever again.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't leave any lights on this week.
Not only is it good for the environment no unwanted door-to-door religious types will interrupt your dinner.
Granted, your dinner might be a little messier without the lights on, but you won't mind, because you won't be able to see the mess either.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be rewarded a hundredfold this week for your generous hospitality of last week.
It's like karma... instant karma!
C'mon, sing along!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Houseguests are like fish.
After a few days you begin wishing you got the one without the eyes left in because it's starting to creep you out.
Your weird fish with eyes will be gone this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your week will get terrible ratings, which will result in your near cancellation at the tail end of the week.
A torrid affair with your neighbour's wife and something to do with their garbage could be enough to salvage your horoscope for another week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You'd better watch your tongue, smarty pants.
Because he who controls the horoscopes controls your fate. Don't forget that.
Now make me some tea. Ehm, please.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Start packing. You are about to go on a journey in a couple weeks.
Don't forget your toothbrush, but then don't pack it near the bottom, because you'd better brush your teeth between now and then.
Aries March 21 - April 19
That's right, you get a soggy, clammy reheated pizza of a week this week.
We hope you enjoyed last week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
When a tree falls in the forest it makes a good case for buying an apartment in the city, instead of attempting to live a life of quiet seclusion out in the woods. Heed this.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So how're the goldfish?
Well, you keep 'em alive one more week and I'll give you a horoscope.
It's only for the sake of the fish, you understand.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Notice how a lot of the horoscopes this week were about fish... well, a couple of them, anyway.
Interesting, isn't it?
Make like a fish and get a makeover this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Listen, we're not around this week.
We haven't been for a couple weeks now.
So, like the weather forecast, these horoscopes may be a bit off.
So go ahead and schedule that picnic for the Saturday, we can't guarantee that we don't see killer bees migrating up from Texas, but we don't see them right now.
Which is almost three weeks ago. So take it with a grain of salt.
Also, bees don't like salt, so that will come in handy, should any attack.
NB. The comment about bees not liking salt has not been researched, nor has it been experienced, so take that, also, with some salt.
[Horoscopes. How're the dogs doing during our absence?]
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